u/Cass_iopeia

Vent mainly about myself. Everyone in my story is immature and I probably the most. I let infatuation and love trap me into an enmeshed situation, before I learned about those words. I entered a thing advertised as polyamory without doing tho work. Spoiler: whatever situation I'm in now isn't polyamory. And because of all the enmeshment (and my own issues , I'm starting therapy) I find it very hard to find the boundaries now and I don't know if it's possible to change this into something better. I fear heartbreak. But I crave emotional support and many other things that I now lack. Which is on me to fix, I know. I'm just so overwhelmed and have been for too long.

Posted this here because I wanted polyamory in this relationship. I was told it was, I was so happy to find this, so eager to explore. Then so much chaos and life events happened that I barely had time to breathe for years and I can blame myself for all that, but that seems not useful. Nor am I a victim. Just human, craving love and connection even at a price.

Now that I have read so much more about it, I still want polyamory (even if I'm not ready to date anyone else, I like seeing myself as a partner too). But also I can't deny all the problems in my current situation. And I certainly can't call it polyamory, and would never 'add' anyone else to this mess (if anyone was interested after full disclosure that would be a big red flag, lol). So I feel stuck - and the necessary change is going to hurt.

Hello all and a note in advance: I am aware my situation isn't a good example of polyamory, but I don't think other subs can offer respectful advice here.

I've been with my partner Jes (30sNB) for four years. Jes is married to their other partner Bee (for much longer than I know Jes). I am divorced. We both have kids. I consider Bee a friend.

Jes is my first queer relationship and it's intense and beautiful. We have fantasies of living together and getting married, but obviously that is not practical (kids and Jes being married to someone else). Jes' relationship with Bee is sometimes strained, and mostly platonic. They both want to stay married and keep sharing, house, finances and child care.

The problem with this is that it seems to not be what Jes actually wants, and that puts me in this impossible position. I respect the existing marriage, I am ok with not escalating with Jes. I had that with my ex and don't miss most of it. But Jes keeps saying they want to marry me, build a life together, share a house. Saying things like 'I wish I had met you first'. And really seems to need me to want these things too. Which frankly hurts. It feels like Jes is the one here who really wants to be monogamous - while also being the one with two partners. I sometimes feel like I'm the glue holding their marriage together. And I don't want that. Saying this will really hurt Jes - what would be a good way to start this conversation? I want Jes and Bee to work their stuff out better, but that's not really a thing I can demand.

I don't like the way things are now. Complication is that Jes is currently in a bad mental state (burnout and depression) and has very limited capacity for these kinds of conversations. But I also can't keep waiting for things to improve.