u/Cashew_is_a_nut

Sorry in advance; I'm going to try and keep this as concise as I can, but I want to give sufficient context too.

Okay, how to start...Well, my mother lives with my partner (37M) and I, in our house. This is not from any medical necessity. We do not have any children. I invited her to come move back in (yes, she lived with us previously several years ago) with us because of her dwindling finances. She has been unemployed for the majority of my life, having been a SAHM for my older brother and I, with a husband who went on to have an affair and left her 20 years into marriage.

My parent's marriage, the Cliff Notes version:

• My father has covert NPD. Yes, it was bad.
• My parents got married in college, very young. Mom had to drop out after having my older brother.
• My father had multiple affairs, yet my mom stayed (lots of trauma and all that jazz), until he left as mentioned above
• My father was very "traditional" and did really nothing housework/chores wise; that was all my mother's job (yes, including mowing the lawn and all that)
• My father ran a very successful software consulting business (millionaire profits, not that he ever spent it on his family)
• The divorce was pretty messy; and I was the one who had to expose my dad's adultery to my mom
• They divorced 24 years ago after a year of separation
• My mom received very little alimony, just enough to skirt by with the added money from my child support payments (my brother was already off to college)
• She had given up a larger settlement to require that my dad pay for his children's college education (Oh, yes. He never actually did that).

I think that covers all the important parts. Suffice it to say, she had a very abusive marriage, one that was particularly financially abusive, and she's now run out of whatever inheritances she's ever received. She's tried to get work; how hard or effectively, I can't really say, except that it's not landed her any form of employment. (Yes, most of my family has tried helping her/pushing her to work toward it with no results for many years). She has done paid nannying/babysitting for my nieces, but beyond that and a couple of short part-time jobs when I was little, nothing. So, she's out of money and not old enough to begin withdrawing Social Security (yes, we're in the US). At this point, I really don't care whether she gets a paying job or not. That aspect of things isn't what I am seeking advice on.

Now enter another key element to the story. My mother has an older sister who lives several states away. Their mother, my nana, passed right before C*vid hit in March of '20. My nana and aunt lived in a house together, which nana had purchased, and had willed that her two girls would split the proceeds 50/50 after its sale. My aunt was supposed to sell the house or buy my mom out within a two year time frame after my nana's passing. Now, 6 years later, the house hasn't even been reviewed by an agent, let alone listed. I should also add at this point that my aunt is also a narcissist (more overt than my dad was, and very bossy of my mom). Unfortunately, my aunt was left as the executor of the will, and has *conveniently* not given my mom a hard copy of said document. My mom has tried to push her sister to do what she was supposed to do years ago, but to be blunt, mom's a pushover and my aunt likely sees nothing wrong with her own inaction. My mom is understandably very hurt and frustrated by this, and both my brother and I have been encouraging her to get lawyers involved. No such luck, at this point.

This all is to convey that I don't really blame my mom (not 100%) for her circumstances, and I *know* a lot of the hell she's lived through. No, she's not had any therapy; trust me, I'm working on that. But while I understand her very deeply, she's so controlled by anxiety over *everything* that she's a very difficult person. She makes just about everything a big deal. Example: she can't use a new cleaning tool, say a vacuum, without us showing her step-by-step how to use it, because otherwise she'll most certainly break it or "mess it up" and complain about it until we finally show her. And I'm not exaggerating when I say she's like this with almost everything. (And don't even get me started with how much she moves our stuff *all the time*). Sadly, it was my MIL who gently pointed out to me how difficult she is; I was as consumed with anxiety as she was up until maybe two years ago, so I didn't see it until it was pointed out to me. (I've had a few years of therapy now. 10/10, would recommend). But now that I know, I can't unsee it. And all the over anxious, perfectionist behaviors, learned helplessness, the list goes on...I live with it daily.

On top of that, I've come to see how codependent she is with me (her with me, but no longer me with her, let me make that clear), and how much she parentified me through the divorce and after. She had no support network, thanks to my father isolating her and all her family living states away, so overnight, *I* became that support network, at 12 years old. It's taken a lot of work, but I now see how excessively she wanted to hang around me all the time over the years, and would get jealous quite often if I was "spending too much time" with my friends. Oh, the guilt trips could write at least a novella. I don't really care to get into all the ways and micro behaviors she did/had that I've now realized were abusive--intentional or not. And, of course, I faced a lot of abuse from my father too, especially after the divorce, but I won’t get into that here.

I guess my dilemma comes in where I understand why she is the way she is. And at least some of her wants and desires are more than fair. But I've reached a point that just being in her physical proximity makes me want to scream some days. (Yes, this is discussed a lot with my therapist, and we've been working through coping strategies. Also, I appreciate this is an overreaction). If I could have my way, with zero consequences, I'd go tell her to move in with her sister, because I can feel myself going a little crazy. However, I feel like that would be unfair to her, and would irrevocably damage not only our relationship, but my relationship with other family members.

So, redditors, do I need to better learn how to suck up my irritations and deal with some less than ideal behaviors? Especially considering all that she's already had to go through. Or am I fair in wanting a change to our current living circumstances? I feel like I'm hitting a point where I need to make that ultimate choice and live with all the consequences it entails, but genuinely don't know what is the right call here.

I really hope I presented things in a generally fair way, and didn't load this request for advice. Let me know if you need any clarifications.

Thanks for your time and advice. (Oh, and yes, I appreciate the irony of posting this the day before Mother's day 😉)

TLDR; Mom faced A LOT of tough sh*t through her life and now lives with my partner and I because of having no money. I also faced a lot of tough sh*t through my life, partially, albeit unintentionally, inflicted by her. She's a difficult person. Do I kick her out to go live with her somewhat estranged older sister and wreck a lot my family relationships, or learn to suck up the copium for her sake?