I had made a post about a week before ending it describing how I was feeling. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1r9bv1k/comment/o6cmfij/?context=3
I am posting here to genuinely look for advice. Some days I am at a nice emotional baseline, other days I am drowning in this depressed state. I am doing all the "right" things by focusing on myself and letting all emotions flow through me. It was my decision to leave, and I had been in 5 therapy sessions talking about how conflicted I was with what I wanted to do.
To give some background, (if you had not clicked my previous reddit post) she had a falling out with her best friend of 2 years, who also happened to be her roommate. Long story short, her roommate was dating this guy she had known for less than two months and he was already showing major red flags. My ex had banished him from their apartment and did not wanna be around him.
I want to make it clear, my EX was more so in the right in correlation to her roommates boyfriend. He seemed to be bad news. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Then this is when it all hit me; she has 0 longevity in her relationships, except for me.
Being with her for the extent that I was, I had seen several of her friends come and go within her life. Regardless of how these people had treated her (good/bad) I was constantly under this impression that her being this common factor, to become alarming. Her handling of her emotions was never very good with me (which was a constant vocalization on my part). Her delivery was poor. It got to the point where I was afraid to even say how I felt half the time. Which was a big SHOCK to me because I am extremely vulnerable.
Her main response to everything in her relationship to me and her view on life was:
Shame + Guilt
People Pleasing (Then getting upset when she did)
Anger
Lack of Vulnerability.
I was 20 when I met her so not to give myself any grace but I thought she was so beautiful, and we had so much fun together. It was covid, I was lonely. She would let me cry in front of her which made me feel so comfortable. I would sob a bad day away, I never really got angry. It was not till the last 6 months of our relationship, I became so frustrated. Here is why;
After her roommate officially moved out I was in a rough fucking spot. The plan was to move in together after the lease had ended in June. I vocalized at the end of January;
"Hey, with how you have been treating me lately I am not sure how comfortable I feel with moving in and even being together. I want an apology."
This lead to a phone call lasting over 6 hours of her saying stuff like "I cannot maintain long term relationships, I cannot give you what you need by June, and I think I should leave" This was NOT my intent. I wanted to have a conversation about how I was feeling and navigate it TOGETHER. This is when the kicker of it all really made me realize, I might need to leave this relationship.
Before my therapy sessions had started (for other reasons, I was NOT in therapy for this. I was in therapy for something completely different) she had told me "I am gonna give you two weeks to make up your mind. If you do not move in with me that is a fine line for me and I am breaking up with you."
It sent me into a shock. Two weeks to decide if I want to sign a year long lease with someone who has been emotionally volatile for years now. The constant projecting, moving of goalposts, and the worst part; lacking vulnerability with me.
That is the foundation of who I am. It broke my heart. While I may have judged people in the past, when you talk about your own pain, your own trauma, and you tell me WHY you are acting this way. How can I judge you? Pour your heart out to me and lets navigate this together. Let me share your tears with you. How could I not break down her walls?
From January to mid March we were in constant discourse of what the plan was. I could not make up my mind. It made her rightfully upset. I made it clear I could not move into this apartment. I did not feel comfortable nor excited. Hell, I felt anxious to do it. I broke up with her on March 18th.
I saw brief glimpses of this version of her that worked well with me. It felt so nice to see and hear it. To see us both acknowledge where we fell short, and what we needed to pick up. The rare times she would call me out in a way where I did not feel attacked, but spoken to. What a wonderful feeling. It was never consistent. I needed a soft landing. I craved it.
To wrap this up I want to make something so clear; I am not perfect. We had not moved in together because I love living at home with my family still. I am close with them and I save money while being here. I also only recently started making better money. I saw no point in moving out. I think this feeling is fair. I also have anxiety, which for the last two years caused a bit of scuffle because I was not ready to go on any vacations. I have to get on top of that.
People tell me my nervous system was literally telling me "Hey, we do NOT feel safe here, you need to do something about this" and I wanted to make right by it. I did not want to make any impulsive decisions. My therapist says the decision was far from impulsive.
I still miss her. Think about her everyday. I hope she betters that part of her. There is a lot more things I could say other than simply put shit like "Poor delivery, shame, trauma ect". It is hard to convince myself that someone who had been this way for so long could change. Even after she started therapy I think the damage had been done, and I did not feel the same way I felt a year ago.
I suppose my question and reason for posting is this. Is my reason rational? I sometimes stumble on whether or not leaving was selfish. I compare it to someone who drinks. If you are an alcoholic for 5 years, no matter how much fun we have, how much money you make, I vocalized to you; this is hurting us.
Thanks to those who read this. This is the lowest I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I was gonna marry this person. I lost my best friend, my safety net, and overall a good person. I think she is just stuck in pain/shame and needs time to get out of it. I was hurt too much to keep giving her the benefit that she would change.