I’m looking for advice from what I consider my Big Sister Community. As the title says, I was the only one from the group invited to my friend’s (we’ll call her Mary) very small wedding (less than 50 guests) It’s coming up soon and I want to cancel, but I don’t know the best way to go about that so as to spare hurt feelings and awkwardness all around. What do you recommend
Here are some details that contribute to why I want to cancel. I recognize that some of them are more justified than others, but I think they all come together to paint a cleared picture:
- Mary and I been friends for about 5 years and see each about once a month, including most special occasions like birthdays
- This is the second wedding for both Mary and her fiancé— she’s in her 40’s now and her first wedding was over 20 years ago The wedding is one week before I have to turn in a big project for work (Mary knows this)
- The friend group is definitely more my organization— that is, Mary rarely hangs out with the rest of the group without me
- Multiple friends assumed the wedding was family only and have expressed to me that they felt hurt and a bit confused as to why they weren’t invited if I was (and I don’t disagree with them, I was surprised to get an invitation)
- When I accepted the invitation I didn’t realize I was the only one from our friend group invited. I also don't get a +1
- When I accepted the invitation I didn’t realize that I would have to spend the night at the location of the wedding due to a lack of transportation home. That means I’m giving up most of my weekend for the wedding. This was not mentioned anywhere on the website of the invitation.
- I will apparently be required to share a room with Mary’s old college roommate who I’ve never met or even heard Mary talk about
- I don’t think I would have accepted if I’d known I’d have to spend the night and that I was the only one from our group invited
- I know a few of the other guests but I wouldn’t consider myself friends with any of them, even after the bachelorette party Mary also didn’t invite anyone from our friend group to the bachelorette party
- I’m a bit disappointed in Mary’s behavior lately, like lowkey Bridezilla behavior and the fact that our mutual friends’ feelings have been hurt by feeling left out
- Mary has made some inappropriate comments about her soon-to-be step children, that make me uncomfortable. I’ve tried to push back and hold her accountable, but they’re often very offhand remarks or, more recently, when she’d been drinking and was completely unable to listen to reason.
- I’m also not sure if I should say something to Mary about these most recent drunk comments or if I should just stay out of it. (The step-children aren’t in danger, but what Mary said was pretty ugly and will certainly affect their future relationship)
- I have found myself thinking back about other out-of-pocket comments and digs she’s made over the course of our friendship, and compounded with all the aforementioned, I’ve been feeling a bit resentful about her and this whole event
- Personally, I have been struggling a bit with my own mental health and anxiety (I am in therapy)
- I’m nervous to cancel because of past bad experiences. The last time I canceled for an event that I’d already RSVP’d to because I was feeling overwhelmed with life and disappointed in the friend already, that friend stopped talking to me. In some ways that was a relief but it’s also uncomfortable
I’m 90% sure I’m going to cancel. I don’t think I’ll have a good time and I don’t want to end up resenting Mary more than i currently do. I’m just looking for the least-confrontational way to go about it and without any bald-faced lies. And would it be better to do it sooner rather than later? The wedding is in about a month and we’ve got plans to see each other at least once before then.
Sorry for how long this is. I appreciate your advice and I’m happy to provide any more clarifying info… although I think I’ve been pretty thorough.