Im not sure exactly what to do with how I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing so I’m posting it on here as a way to vent and because I feel guilty and like I’m going to explode because there’s no one I can tell this to. I 25 F have been in a long term relationship with my bf 26M for 5 years. Due to personal family circumstances I live with him and his family. I was even able to get a job due to his family. I love them and am eternally grateful to them and him.
Recently, we got a new hire 25M who I would casually talk to when he was a temp but now he’s permanent and I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s conventionally attractive and I know a lot of my coworkers have crushes on him and are actively trying to pursue him. When he was a temp I wouldn’t really think much about him but now after interacting with him more, I find myself thinking of and orchestrating the absolute dumbest and minimal tasks in hopes that I’ll run into him.
After our company christmas party, we talked a bit outside one on one and he even asked me for a hug and my Instagram which I gladly gave him. After that we’ve DMed but it’s mostly me starting conversations. We used to work together on a project for a little bit and that’s when we really started to get to know each other. We have similar interests in music, clothing styles, and both create art in our free time. At work currently, we work in different departments so we rarely get to interact but I find myself looking for him and finding any dumb excuse to message him. He told me he had a cat that was going through it so I gave him some treats that my cat really likes. We’re both really into doc martens and when he got his first pair for Christmas, I gifted him a cleaning kit for them. I didn’t receive anything in return not that I was expecting anything honestly.
I invited him to a little get together at a bar with some of our other coworkers (he keeps to himself and never attends these things) and he decided to come when I confirmed I would be there and that it would be nice to see him there. It was so fun and I felt over the moon that I was the one that got him to attend. I took on a very art heavy project recently and at the bar he was very supportive and even said he would help me whenever I needed since he is also passionate about art. Pretty soon after that I put him down for something and regretted it instantly so I took him off and it seemed he wasn’t really interested in helping me after all so I’ve since asked other people.
I’m aware I’m practically debasing myself at this point. I’ve cooled it recently on the DMs and the useless trips to his side of the building but now I’ve even started dreaming about him. I love my bf and I see us getting married soon but I don’t know why I’m infatuated by this other guy. This kind of thing has never happened to me before and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the end goal is or what I hope the outcome to be I just feel so guilty and don’t know what to do. Nothing has actually happened between us but also neither of us have explicitly stated that we’re dating someone. My boyfriend is aware of the guy and that we exchanged instagrams but not that I dream about him (often) and that I try to run into him so I can talk to him.