Trigger warning of abuse, Grief, miscarry, SA
I (30F) have been no contact with my mother for almost four years. Growing up, our relationship was very difficult, and I left home at 16 to live with my grandparents. By 17 or 18, I moved in with my college boyfriend so I could stay out of that environment.
To give some context:
When I was younger, I went through something serious and felt unsupported when I told her. Also my mother has physically, verbally, and psychologically abused me for as long as I can remember. My first memories of her are of her beating me.
Later, when I was 21, I had a miscarriage. I was struggling with it, and her response was that it was “for the best and a blessing” since I wasn’t married to my serious boyfriend at the time. Granted we had been discussing this before the news and when it happened it felt fine then the miscarriage happened.
When I was sexually assaulted at 9, she dismissed it and did not get me any help.
There was a long pattern of behavior that made our relationship very strained over time. I was also diagnosed with CPTSD at 12, and my mental health was significantly worse while I was still living at home.
I’m the oldest and the only daughter. There’s a large age gap between me and my younger brothers, and they had a very different experience growing up.
Since going no contact, my life has improved a lot. I feel more stable, and things that used to affect me constantly are much more manageable now.
I still have a relationship with my dad and extended family. I live abroad and have for years, but I stay in touch through a family group chat and occasional calls. My mother is not included in that.
Recently, I reached out to my dad about something small and unrelated. Instead of just responding to that, he got upset and brought up the fact that I’m still not in contact with my mother. He feels like I should be open to reconnecting.
At this point, I feel like I’ve processed a lot of what happened. I don’t feel the same intensity about it anymore, but I also don’t feel comfortable reopening that relationship. I’m thinking about my own well-being and my future, and staying no contact feels like the right choice for me.
"I get it, but im pissed because you don't ask about us which makes me realize you don't care. I waited for many years hoping you would reconnect, but its not happening. So what are your thoughts about that.
Your war against mom has lasted long enough and I cant really be on your side there. The amount of pain vs pain has been balanced imo. Now its just a wait for you to change, which seems like it will never. ...I just wish so much that we had a back and forth with the whole family, since it seems impossible it makes me fucking mad." - this is my fathers texts
Keep in mind I did remove parts of the text that give identity away and those points I did clarifiy with him. I did also noticable lessen my contact with my father in favor of my grand parents who I see as parents to me simply because I do know my father resents me for this and it puts him in a hard place because he does love my mom.
AITA for continuing to keep that boundary in place even though my dad disagrees?