u/Careful_Term_9273

So is my first time here and my first language is not English so if I 42 F f… up something sorry in ahead. I’m writing and crying the same time. I’m married 10years with 46M who I believed to be my soul mate but honestly I’m losing myself and I start to believe that is just impossible to love me or something.
So we meet thru internet and the story itself was a dream. I will not say the story because is so nice and particular that who knows us will know who I em.
So my husband is bipolar borderline and have severe adhd. After many many problems,his escalation with alcohol and trying to put him on the right path I end up in a hole. He is an amazing human but when is bad is seriously horrible. We had police, screaming, holes in the wall. I know that you would say with is wrong with you to be with a person like this but he-is the sweetest and the nicest ever on the other side. You know Ozzy and Sharon-this kind of love.
So now in the end I stopped him from alkohol, from weed, calm him down and one day and believe me I curse that day every day he just say we do a party with some white powder so you can relax…yea right. And I was so clean like a white paper but now I’m not. Two years of hell that every day is a fight with my brain and I keep on losing and when I really wanna try he keep on mention something, make gestures to just remind me of it or just behave impossible, so I gave in. I don’t know how to get out.
Second problem is that I lived in a sexless marriage because he couldn’t get an erection and was getting from bad to worse where he completely disregarded me like a wife and human for 2 years. I like very manly man and he is but in this two years I saw him put dildos in his back and behaving in a way that made me so uncomfortable that is difficult to explain. Now we finally get some pills for erection and from 10pills he used two on me and the rest was me waking up in the night seeing him masturbate near me and braking my heart.
And no I m not perfect. I scream a lot, my current life stress me a lot because I m ashamed to see help and very frustrated, but I’m not ugly. I think I’m an attractive woman and between us was all ok until he didn’t start with these weird shit. My life is getting really heavy and already two times I tough about very bad stuff. Please I don’t want a miracle but I would like that someone tell me something just that I make sense of how my life get so terrble.