This is gonna be a long read, If this is the wrong sub I’ll delete. I don’t want to offend anyone but I just need someone to vent or talk to.
I’ve been struggling with my self esteem, appearance and sexuality since forever (fyi I was born into like the most homophobic country in the world). I’ve also been so aware of how I walk and talk so I don’t give things away, because once people find out that’s all the see, they don’t see you as a person, your personality, skills or talents, it just all they see.
About over a year and some months ago, I noticed the neighbors kids suddenly see me and start smiling, laughing, whispering amongst themselves and staring. I was abit worried but I put it of as maybe they felt I was weird because I don’t talk to anyone on the street much.
Another day, I went to a shop around my home to buy some stuff. I noticed a lady from one of the apartments in the same building as those kids working in the shop. she saw me tapped her colleague and they started whispering as I walked closer she said hi and I responded. Some weeks later I’d work into the shop and colleague she was talking to would yell that “why will God make a person gay and that if he would ever turn gay he should kill him”. I think it was in a bad to heckle me so I didn’t react still to draw attention.
I also noticed when I walk past a barber shop in my neighborhood where basically everyone except me uses I get pointed at and stared at. One of the guys there would be talking then he’d call the other guys to come see me (basically how you’d have been talking about the tea and the tea walks by 😅)… I’ve noticed he’s done it on 3 different times but they’d never spoken to me directly which I’ve been very happy about. But some days ago I was walking past them and he pointed when he saw me coming … it was soo obvious like he didnt even care if I saw him then the person he was talking to (younger than me) proceeds to call out to me to come meet them. Merely walking by I got the sense of everything happening so I ignored and kept going but I was soo shook and furious.
These kids eventually stopped staring and laughing. But boys at the shop have some gang affiliations and they can’t seem to get me off their minds, they keep spreading whatever is causing the stares and it’s not stopping, I don’t want to have to start limiting where I walk to but I know when I take that route it basically helps them put a face to things. I don’t have much friends because unlike practically everyone at my age, i haven’t dated anyone even though I’ve had girls show interest in me but I simply don’t wanna pretend or hurt anyone so I keep to myself. I have no one i can trust …. I feel so alone … I suspect they know about me but I don’t want my family to find out or to get confronted by a gang member because they would want to demean me and hurt me, in my country gay pple are beaten and worst case burnt alive …. Moving is so hard because this country also happens to have the worst economy ever and on my salary it will take years to get rent money while taking care of both my parents.
But I’m soo curious to know what they know and how they found out. I was thinking about confronting one of the barbers or maybe asking nicely but I don’t know how that would go. Life’s been soo hard for me sometimes I just wanna kms.