Just why doesn't anything make me feel better? I have friends that care about me and want to see me happy and try, i have a lot of freetime i could use for hobbies and despite this i feel extremely unmotivated and lonely, as if the world just keeps getting more narrow and painful everyday. I cry daily for hours and barely have a routine, it's also hard to eat and drink enough because feel so anxious and depressed. I don't even know who to blame anymore, it all feels so distorted, i know i'm not perfect i definitely have my flaws that hurt her too but going off my friends and therapist (who i can't go to anymore..) i was being abused by her and i guess i still am because i just can't break free, she promised me love and improvement only to repeatedly dump me for someone else. At times she couldn't even wait 24 hours for me to make a decision and later tells me to stop whining and stop gaslighting her to feel guilty just because she made a choice. Well it's not entirely the choice that hurts so much but if you really loved me why did you never try to help me? Why did you never have the slightest bit of patience for me? I wanted time to work on myself so the relationship would actually work, am i wrong for thinking that someone who loved me would accept it? I really don't know, my brain is such a mess and i feel so exhausted emotionally. Maybe it's because once in the past i told her i'm not ready for a relationship but didn't deny the possibility of it and just wanted to stay close for the time being. I don't understand why i'm so freaking attached to her, it makes me feel obsessive and i'm disgusted by it but i genuinly never experienced so much affection and care from another person that i just want it back.. I gifted you so many things, even made you handcrafted things but you never seemed to care and i just can't understand. I don't want to be ignored and fade away into nothing with all these unanswered emotions but i know she doesn't care about those anyway. Is there even any way out of this cycle of love and hate for me?
u/CardiologistOne4627
To start this, i broke up from an unhealthy 6-year relationship in february 2025 that gave me very strong attachment and abandonment issues, a few months after i met someone who was really really kind to me and helped me through so much when no one else did, though i'd eventually see a different side to her and found out she has bpd. However at that point she already felt something like a soulmate to me and i'm a very soft and kind hearted person so i promised i'll always be there for her no matter what happens and things went alright for a couple of months because she was also really attached to me. After some time tho i noticed how her behavior changed, she seemed to grow more distant from me for no apparant reason, but i would find out that it's because of love, she is really obsessed with having a partner and to her it's kinda the only person that really matters. that's when i would say the abuse started, which i didn't even realize until much later and just took it because i thought it's not her fault and often blamed myself for everything too. she's had a few changes of partners over the course of mere months and grew more and more distant and hostile towards me, the abuse got worse and included things such as screaming at me and hurting me or threatening to block me just so i shut up (it was all online btw) yet i always forgave her not knowing how that led me to being fucked up now. I will not say that i'm perfect or a saint in all of this, i was really attached to her and i probably should've realized that's not healthy and whenever she would grow more distant i was very depressed and vented a lot to my friends (without pointing fingers just generally letting my feelings out) but something that she started to do and that became a frequent occurence is that whenever i was sad or feeling down she would get angry at me and tell me to stop it and rant about why i just can't listen to her, which just made me feel worse. Now it's gotten to the point where she basically doesn't care anymore, i treated her with so much love and care until a day ago where i stopped looking at the chat entirely. I've drawn things for her, gifted her things, gave her a friend group and a safe space and supported her so much to try and become a better person by also directly helping her find therapy but now.. She doesn't care about any of it and for some weeks i still kept just being the same as i was even though i barely got a reply. I cried to her not to abandon me in voice messages because she is so important to me and asked what is going on but she can't muster more than a single "ok" after days of silence. I have the feeling she saw me being sad whenever she got more distant from me due to having a partner and thought i was manipulating her to only like me? she did once crash out and yelled at me how i don't allow her to love anyone else when the truth is that i just didn't wanna lose her or end up like the dozen of people she threw away in the past (which i feel so stupid for for not taking the hint). She even broke up with one of her partners by just insulting them and later blamed me if i'm happy now and that we should date, which is absolutely something i never asked her to do and i was quite shocked and in disbelief, tho not even a day later she somehow has another partner out of thin air and that's what happened about a week ago. I've been feeling so awful since then, i don't want to lose her but all of my friends tell me that she has been abusing me for a year and i have been way to tolerant with it and it might be better if i just let go. I couldn't do it though, i've held on for a year and just took it all and i can't forget the kind person she once was to me. I just can't believe she does this to me after all i've done, after i treated her so nice on a daily basis and generally considered her my soulmate. It hurts so much and i can't stop crying almost the entire day and barely even have motivation to drink or eat anything. It feels so lonely even though i have other friends but it's probably because of the trauma bond i developed. I would really appreciate if you could share some words with me or.. i dunno if this is ok to ask but if anyone wants to be a friend with me.. i spend most time at home because my job starts in september and until then i don't really have anything to do and the freetime is now more curse than blessing because i really don't wanna dwell in my thoughts. This is probably the worst thing that ever happened to me and at the moment it feels like i'll never get better.