A few days ago I ended a relationship and I completely regret it. He was the reason I did everything; I wanted to improve for him, try to control my BPD and live a life with him. But now I feel completely empty, and when I don't feel that way, I feel devastated. I feel like my life has no meaning without a future with him. I regret telling him it was better to end the relationship. I wish I could tell him I can't live without him, but I know I don't have that right because I was the one who decided to break up.
Less than a month ago, I started university classes. I made some friends and felt really happy about it, since before, my only connection was with my now ex. When we broke up, I thought I could get over it with their help, but now I realize I don't have the strength to even try. I'm tired of trying to improve, of trying to heal, and now the only motivation I had for it is gone because of me. It's all my fault, and even if I know there's a chance I could feel better in the future, I don't want to. I want to give up.
The only thing that makes me hesitate is the emotional damage it would cause my friends and family, or that my ex might feel guilty for having caused it even if it isn't his fault. I want to find reasons to not to do it, I don't want to hurt others, I just want to end this suffering, I need help