TL;DR Me(soon 18F) and my bf(18M) are having problems because he feels that by me having boundaries (not drinking without me near, not hanging out at night, dont do sexual jokes or actions with anyone besides me, and don’t have contact with exes) I’m cutting away his freedom, even tough I tried a lot of times to explain to him that those are flexible and change over time and trust.
(English is not my original tongue so pls forgive any mistakes) Well, me and my bf are having problems about boundaries, more specifically, about what’s freedom and whats respect in a relationship, we’ve been together for two years now (one of them we weren’t officially dating) the problem is he thought he was free but now and no matter how I try to make a common ground he still feels he won’t be free. We are both bisexual and other than that I think we have a pretty good relationship, we come from different cultures (he’s European and I’m Latino American) idk if that’s an important thing to mention but I see that normally people from my culture tend to agree with me; he grew up with a lot of freedom and I‘ve always had strict parents, it’s important to say that he is 18 and I’m just turning 18 in some months, so I’ve always tried to make those boundaries not being overwhelming by being by his side the most I can, but I’m in the last year of school and have to do the final exams for entering university, so I don’t have much time now; I’m also an overthinker so u can see that I’m not the most calm person when I’m alone and insecure, he knew all of that and more about my personal life that makes things hard to just forgive and forget.
When we first entered in this relationship I wanted to be clear about some boundaries I have but also explain to him that they are flexible as long as I can feel secure and had seen actions of him that tell me “I’m going to be responsible for our relationship“, and those boundaries are:
-Don’t fuel sex jokes or do sexual actions with other people (which also includes dancing sexual musics or sexual dances with someone besides me);
-Don’t hang out at night time without me;
-Don’t drink without me being with him;
-Don’t hang out without making an appointment (we live in the same city but not together and it’s hard for us to have any time for us because of our schedules);
-And don’t have contact with exes (he’s is a bit of a friend with one of them, but he still makes sexual jokes about her even tough it’s when it’s him and me, and I accepted him being this bit of a friend (they talk once in a month) but I don’t want her closer than this or another friendship with another ex)
Now for how much I’m willing to be flexible now (because before I wasn’t and now I’m becoming more flexible and I’m willing to improve but not desapear with this boudaries because for me, they make a relationship with respect):
- He can do and fuel sex jokes between his family, always could, and I’m willing to be ok with him doing those with his friends as long as he doesn’t disrespect me or our relationship, for example, making sex jokes about him and other people, focus on someone he wants or wanted to have a sexual interaction with or about our sexual life, and about the dances, same thing;
-He also can happen to hang out at night time with his family since the beginnin, and I’m willing to be ok with him hangout from times to times (never a frequent habit) with friends (without me) as long as they don‘t go to places like discos or other places likely found sexual and don’t come back really late or in the next day;
-This one, as long as he doesn’t exaggerate, I’m willing to be ok with him drinking without me near (being a little drunk but not really drunk) he has a high resistance to alcohol so he could drink some without getting drunk;
-About not making appointment it’s because of disappearing out of nowhere like “hey I’m going out now and don’t know when I will be back”, for me if it happens like more than once in a week maybe twice it’s not a problem, but not always or frequently, if we lived together I’m almost sure this would be very different;
-And I’ve already explained this last one.
So, idk what to do anymore, I also can’t promise him more because idk the future, can anyone help me and find what are we missing?