One night we went out drinking together. When we got home, things turned sexual and he asked to try anal. I agreed at first. But once we started, it hurt almost immediately. I told him to stop. He didn’t. I said it again, more seriously, and he still didn’t stop. The third time, he said something like “just a little bit longer” and continued for another minute or two. At that point I was crying into the pillow.
Eventually he stopped. I got up, went to the bathroom, and cried.
The next day I brought it up. He didn’t seem to remember much of the situation but apologized for whatever had happened and seemed genuinely sorry at the time.
Since then, there haven’t been any other physical boundary issues. But recently during an argument, he said something along the lines of “I would never physically hurt you.” That comment didn’t sit right with me, so I brought up that night.
Now he’s saying it never happened like that. He says there are “holes” in my story and questions why I didn’t just get up or leave if I was in pain. He even implied that it doesn’t make sense that I would stay if something that serious was happening.
Now I feel confused and honestly kind of shaken. At the time, I remember freezing and just wanting it to be over. But his reaction now is making me second guess myself.
I guess I’m asking:
How do I process this when he now denies it happened the way I remember?
Update:
I went to work and did not send any usual “I love you, have a good day” texts. He texted me around 2pm saying “I’m sorry, I love you.” I texted back as usual but let him know I was upset and had not had time to process the things he said to me. When I got home, we began talking about the event and what he had said to me last night. He apologized and told me what he did was wrong, what he said last night was wrong, and that he has been having a hard time coming to terms with what transpired as he never thought he could treat someone he loved, “in such a disgusting way.” He followed this by saying he hates knowing I have to live with the hurt and burden of the pain he has caused me for the rest of my life and he understood if I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him because of it. He made no excuses and when I restated specific things he said last night pertaining to “why I didn’t do anything.” He began to cry and stated that he never should have said anything like that to me and nothing that transpired was my fault.
He left to go to an appointment and I have just been sitting here feeling lost about what to believe or how to feel.