Some issues in my relationship between me (21F) and my fiancé (21M). Just need someone else’s opinion
Me and my fiancé have known each other our whole lives and 6 years ago started dating. When we got together he was smoking and as of half a year ago quit because it was causing relationship and mental health problems. Me moved in together 3 years ago and while he was smoking he did a lot of things that still bother me today even though he doesn’t do them anymore. Things like yelling and being verbally abusive during “episodes” that he can’t remember. Saying things like “I dont really love you” or “I’m using you” or that he didn’t want to keep going on. He would also refuse to talk to or have sex with me for hours or days on end choosing to get off outside on our open porch at night or in the living room where I could see him just to upset me. He has stopped doing all of these things now but I’m scared he is going to start again. I’ve had people like him in my family pretend to change and just continue to be bad people but I really want to believe this change is true but I’m finding it hard to do so because of my own trauma with my family. Because of this I find myself looking at our cameras when I leave the house or when I’m showering and he’s in our room cause the thought of him doing it again really bothers me. For more context when he gets off or we have sex there’s a three day period before we have sex again and when he gets off it’s more like 6 for me. Plus he doesn’t really ever seem to care about how I feel during sex till this month (he’s apparently trying now) but the whole thing still bugs the crap out of me. He told me it’s because of his ex who abused and (g)raped him and now the thought of pleasing anyone like that makes him feel weird but it’s been 3 years of us having sex.
I have PTSD from other things in my life and he has some mental issues we don’t totally know what they are cause he doesn’t have the money to see a doctor but I feel like I’m in the wrong for everything and I find it very hard to believe he actually cares about me. One thing I do for him is deep wash his hair and trim is lower hair so it’s even, he has lots of very very curly hair that gets frizzy and wild fast if not treated well and hair care can take an hour for him. I ask him to do the same for me and he absolutely refuses. I only ask cause there are areas hard to see down there and I have cut myself more than once. I don’t know if any of that is normal but it’s what we do it just makes me feel off that he doesn’t seem to respect me the same way I respect him.
Sorry for how long this is but I just don’t know what to do anymore and my autism is telling me I’m this horrible controlling person and I’m the problem even though I do everything for him like cook and clean and take care of him.
tl;dr my fiancé and I have some issues that have been happening over the course of our relationship mostly due to his smoking he’s only been trying to do better the last few months and he’s doing good but now I feel like I’m the problem please help🙏🏼