I’m not even sure why I’m posting this other than I feel like I’ve exhausted every single one of my options. My husband, (25M) and I (21F) got married when I was 18 and he was 22. He was in his 3rd year of the army and I was fresh out his is moms women’s recovery program for addicts. There’s a lot of lore behind it, but basically things have went down hill since about the 4 month of our marriage. The sex declined, he stopped doing little things for me, money got tight , we went into a little debt. I feel like the major turning point was when we realized that I started getting super angry and losing my patience with him whenever we would drink, and so we stopped drinking. That was when he stopped hanging out with his friends, when he stopped having motivation to have fun. After that, a lot of life happened, money was still tight, we were still fighting all the time, and then he broke his back (army related injury). Things got really bad when he broke his back. He got meaner and oh my gosh the selfish side of him FLOURISHED and he used his broken back as an excuse for everything he said or everything he didn’t do. This was around the time he started giving up on bills. He completely gave up on everything including himself. I tried really hard to help him find his motivation, but he broke me down so bad in the process. Just recently, he has started going back to work, he has a 24 hour shift that he’s on today/tonight and right now we’ve only got one vehicle that we can drive, because he decided not to pay our car insurance and it got canceled, so I had to borrow money from my grandmother to get one of our vehicles insured (it was just too expensive to get both of them insured considering he’s supposed to be making payments on one of them/it’s under a lease). The point being I’ve been stuck at home all day (which is fine) but we’re also super broke right now, and we’re sharing a vape. He took the vape. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID, but I kinda lost it when he came home for his break, and then left without waking me up to hit the vape before he went. It just seemed so selfish. And most things he does now days do seem/feel selfish. But anyways this conversation stemmed from the vape situation. I know it’s a little dramatic, but I just feel like I’m not even upset about the vape. I’m just upset because I’m not being heard at all. I’m hurt from all the apologies I never got. And when I cry to him and beg him to change certain things and then he turns around and just does everything so selfishly, I just lose it. And I’ve definitely lost it a couple times. I punched a hole in the wall one night. I also plastered the hole and painted the wall. and I’ve also apologized so so many times, genuine apologies not just saying sorry. I lose my shit and I yell and I scream.I’m not perfect. I never have been and I never will be. But I actively work on changing who I am for the better every day. I listen to him and his concerns and I’ve changed myself so much for him over the last couple years. One of my biggest downfalls is knowing I don’t have patience with him when I drink, and still choosing to drink every once in a while, and every time I do, we end up in horrible arguments. I ended up going back to our hometown a couple weeks ago for about a week after I drank one night and ordered DoorDash, because he absolutely lost his mind that I ordered DoorDash. When he literally ordered pizza to our house a couple of hours before that (for himself, not us) I broke the next morning and just packed a bag and left for the next couple days. It was absolutely horrible. He was so mean while I was gone the only time he was nice to me was when I threatened to turn the Wi-Fi off (which I know was toxic of me to say) I ended up coming home (to him) because the car insurance got canceled and he was gonna be stuck without a vehicle. I love them at the end of the day and I wasn’t gonna do that to him, so of course I came home. That was about a week ago now that I came back. And things have been really rough. my birthday in Valentine’s Day were back in February. They’re two days apart. We were up at midnight on my birthday, and I just kept waiting for him to tell me happy birthday. But he never did . didn’t get me anything. And Valentine’s Day, we didn’t do anything and he didn’t get me anything. When I mentioned it, he said we didn’t have any money and asked what I expected. I just kept telling him I wanted a little bit of effort that I didn’t expect anything fancy and I really didn’t even expect him to buy me anything. just expected some effort. He eventually just started telling me he’d make up for when he got paid next. that was five paychecks ago. Two nights ago, I sat down on the couch beside him and my thigh rubbed his knee, he started yelling and said “why are you always on top of me? Get your fat ass off me”. And it made me really sad and upset. I just wanted him to apologize for it. But he’s told me multiple times that he’s not going to. I’m just lost .He gets out of the military in about six months and we’re supposed to be moving back to our hometown, but I’m sitting at this house doing everything that he ask me to do, like nothing‘s wrong. And I don’t know how to tell him no or stop doing things for him because every time I bring up my side of things, he brings up who I was before I met him. Or he brings up the times that I lost my shit on him and just blames me for being crazy and bitching all the time and not being able to shut up about problems when I feel like they’re being ignored or like it keeps happening, and when he brings that up, my brain starts to spin, and I start trying to figure out if I’m the one in the wrong. I wanna be very clear that I’m far from perfect as well. I was on hard drugs from the time I was 14 to 18 I was in and out of Juvie and mental hospitals. I was really rough around the edges when I first met my husband and I’ve changed a lot since then but I’m still not perfect. I do have a temper. I’ve never physically hit him, but I do get to a breaking point where I start yelling and pulling hair out of my head because I just can’t handle it anymore and I feel like I’m going absolutely insane. (I’ve got bipolar disorder 2 btw) but anyways, if you read this far, thank you for reading. I don’t really have anyone to tell all this too because I never want anybody to look at him with the eyes that I’ve started to look at him through, but maybe I can get some good advice on here… nothing else has seemed to work.