I recently reconnected with my ex after a few months apart. We ended up seeing each other again and there was still chemistry and emotional connection, but when I asked what we were doing / where this was going, things got tense.
About a week later, he sent me this message:
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want to be honest with you because you deserve that. Being around you again reminded me that I don’t dislike you or have anything against you at all. if anything I still care about you deeply.
But the truth is, mentally and emotionally I’m not in a place where I can show up the way you deserve. I’ve got a lot I need to work on within myself and my life right now. I’m not where I want to be and I can’t offer you the stability, time or energy that a real connection needs.
As much as I miss you and even feel that loneliness sometimes, I think stepping back is what’s best for me right now so I can really lock in and fix my situation. I don’t want to keep going back and forth and risk hurting you or giving you mixed signals.
This isn’t about you lacking anything… it’s about me needing to get myself together. I hope you can understand that and I truly appreciate you for everything you’ve been to me. And I’ll always be thankful for you and what we shared.”
For context, during our relationship he showed some avoidant traits (pulling away, inconsistency, difficulty with emotional conversations). When we reconnected, things felt good again until I asked for clarity, then it felt like he shut down.
My questions:
Does this read as an avoidant “deactivation” or discard?
Or does it sound like genuine self-awareness and honesty?
If you’re avoidant, have you sent something like this and actually meant it?
Is this usually final, or do people sometimes come back after messages like this?