u/Capital_Job_8096

If you don’t have time don’t read it now .
I am someone who cannot define who I am. How can I act happily or live normally after everything that has happened in my life? I think I am a bit strange, or maybe it just feels that way because not everyone experiences these same feelings. Well, I’m sorry for rambling.
I was sexually harassed by my father when I was young.. he tried to touch me and actually did, though he didn't do anything further, and he also kissed my neck. Since then, I started feeling disgusted with myself because I acted normally. I already hated him, yet I behaved as if he were a good father. How stupid of me.
Then, I was harassed by my older brother. He was angry because I went out to the street alone and said: Do you think you’re too young to go out now? Then he grabbed my chest violently, shook them, and said: Look how big they’ve grown.'Another time, he tried to pull up my pants from behind while I was asleep. He acted like he hated me because I told my mother and she got angry at him .. he claimed he was just trying to cover me up. He convinced me then that I wasn't sure of what happened, but whenever I look back, I realize he is a despicable liar.
Once, I was extremely hungry and we had no money or food. I went to my grandmother’s house .. who is a terrible person .. to ask for some eggs. She gave me only two because she didn't want them to run out, so her son wouldn't have to bother buying another carton. I was fasting at the time and ran home before my father could see me. But my brother that same despicable brother caught me halfway. He screamed at me for leaving without his permission and threw a trash bag that was next to him in the street at my head. I went home crying, and when I arrived, my father saw me and slapped me across the face.
Later, he tried to harass my younger sister. I was also harassed by my uncle, whom my grandmother loves dearly, and then by my other uncle. Being harassed by my youngest uncle was horrific; whenever I remember it, I hate myself for how I stayed silent and how stupid I was.
I was so young when all of this happened. Yet, I acted normally in front of everyone who hurt and exhausted me, as if I were receiving a prize. As I grew up, I hated them all and tried to find myself. I didn't develop a mental illness, my nose didn't bleed when I remembered the past, and nothing else happened to me... All I wanted as I grew up was for someone to understand and listen to me.
My speech just became slow. Not a stutter, but a slowness, as if I’m searching for words and can’t find them. I’ve started forgetting a lot, like an old woman with Alzheimer’s. I started wanting someone to love me, but I realized that falling in love with someone like me isn’t easy. I am very kind, but I realized that loving me will always be difficult.
I am now 27. My father passed away, and I have cut ties with my grandmother and all my despicable uncles. I begged my sister to love me as I love her, but she is a liar too. She boasts to my face about how she can abandon anyone and move on quickly because she knows I am not like that. Why would you tell someone like me that? You know I don’t want to hear about the thing I fear most, as if you’re telling me, 'I will do this to you too.' So many things happened that made me lose hope in her.
I was left alone in the end while everyone else is happy. But I am happy despite all of that.
Do you think I will ever live in love one day or I become someone weird looking for love bc of what happened to me ?