Progress: From Nada to the Edge of the Town
Hey guys, how're things?
I know it's tough out there. I've been wrapped up in bed too afraid to live, too afraid to die. Monitoring symptoms, ruining relationships, OCD that freaks everyone out, you know the drill. It's been bad for 5 years, awful for 2.
Today? I walked to a local shop. I drove around town with a passenger, and chilled at a local spot. Last week I took a date to a local cherry blossom bloom and shared a few kisses.
How? That's what I want to share most.
You need to fall in love. I don't mean that literally, but if you can - do. But you need to be attracted to something or someone that pushes you beyond your fear because the fear of missing out just eats you up. Cultivate FOMO. If you can't find that yet, that's okay, you're navigating the pit of despair and we all do. Keep going. You'll find your love. Something that triggers your passion.
You have to confront the fear of death. Genuinely, this is the big hang up. Guys... it's gonna get us. Lol. We're gonna die. It's fine. We can't hide from it and the agoraphobia shtick of thinking a location keeps us protected is totally fake. I knew this when last year I was laying on my bathroom floor with my first and only experience of AFib. Had no idea what was happening to me, but I reckoned I was a gonner... and it was AMAZING. Talk about perspective. You can't teach that. And I love that it happened. But we need to respond before nature kicks our asses like that. Find the "ah well, if am done for anyways, why limit myself?"
Propranolol. I like how this suppresses adrenaline which is such a great aid for a condition that I'd rather classify as an adrenaline disorder than a mental health one. If I didn't FEEL the adrenaline, I wouldn't ever panic. Just dialing that back a little helps my mind settle.
Exercise. It will be humiliating at first. You'll do three reps of a light weight then panic. Then walk 0.2 of a mile on a lounge treadmill and freak out. Rest. Keep going. Nothing compares to feeling physically fitter. This is 40% of recovery.
Eating. Stop loading up with carbs if you're overweight. That's it. Sweets and heavy meals ruin me. You can have treats but don't load up your tummies. The amount of excess weight I've been carrying recently is crazy. There's like a 1:1 relationship for me between food and feeling good. So maybe you wanna think about that or not.
The nervous system will adjust to that new tune.
I need to travel internationally to meet someone I love, but also... I just want to live before I die. Am not morbid, I believe in the testimony of NDErs and think life is beautiful... but I gotta cast off this spell.
Top tips:
● your body will process its sensations through fear and tell you that the best way to respond to discomfort is to be back home. Understand this is an adrenaline response and disagree with it. Your comfort isn't a location, it is you.
● love the thrill of further: you'll know that sinking palpatating feeling of an imposing situation... not saying to run headlong but when your competency increases you will CHASE that little "extra" feeling. You'll walk the next 100m or visit that spot you had in mind or drive that road you were hesitating about.
Guys, am doing it from a point of thinking it was over for me. I'm going to keep going. I have things to do. It's all a gift. The summer is here. Let's make the little steps bigger.
Anyways, just trying to motivate myself and anyone wondering what's possible.