So, my girlfriend follows a lot of beautiful women on Instagram. They're a specific type, and I know it's her type in women from before she started dating me. Unfortunately, I am the polar opposite of a muscular goth woman - I am short, have a pastel/cottagecore sense of style, and while I'm at a healthy weight, I'm not very fit. She also follows a lot of cosplayers that post suggestive photos.
I've expressed how much this hurts me in the first year of our relationship, but honestly I didn't handle communicating it well at the time. I said hurtful things that I still regret three years later, and I've tried really hard to grow as a person so these things don't upset me anymore. I'd say I'm good at it for the most part, but then moments like this happen and I feel like I've lost all my progress. I've ruminated over it to a point where I've relapsed in unhealthy behaviors and could begin a downward spiral if I don't get my shit together.
Today, I found out that she joined a Discord server for one of these women. I know that she hasn't sent any messages in there, but there is an 18+ channel and apparently a *different* NSFW channel got deleted recently for being "too freaky". So, that reopened an old wound.
I wish I could ask her to stop following these people, but when we've had these conversations, she said that she follows these people because they're aspirational for what she wants to look like as she transitions. They also tend to be trans women, and after scrolling through their accounts, I see they do offer genuine advice and fashion tips. But there are also a lot of thirst traps and OF links, and that's where I start to ruminate, especially as someone who's been cheated on & previously dated a porn addict that wrecked my self esteem. Still, I don't think it's fair for me to hinder her transition just because I'm upset... I haven't mentioned how it's impacting me physically either, since that comes off as a guilt trip.
I feel so ridiculous about how this still upsets me, even when I'm 24 years old and have done so much inner work to make sure I'm no longer a jealous person. I'm not sure what to do, and I don't have many people to talk to that would grasp the nuance of this. Thank you for reading.