u/Candid_Bar_5689

Hi everyone, I have a bit of a dilemma. I may delete this post as well. So in the beginning when me and my husband met, there was a lot of passion and although we never slept together before being married, he did pressure me into doing a lot of stuff I wasn't comfortable with. I brought up being SAd to try to get him to stop doing certain things but he kept going until he got what he wanted essentially. I asked him if he was a virgin, to which he said yes and with me, the only reason this was important to know was so that an STD test was done to confirm that he was clean. After we got married, in the very beginning, there was a lot of pressure from him and I literally bled the first week a week straight and essentially I kept reopening that wound trying to please him because he said he was a virgin for over 20+ years and I was basically holding him back and not giving him what he waited so long for. Every time he didn't get what he wanted, he disrespected me in front of people, put me down, made me feel stupid because he "naturally got mean if he didn't get what he wanted" and there's only one fix. After a couple years of being married, I found out he wasn't actually a virgin and in the moment I said I forgive him because it's the Christian thing to do but oh man I cried for weeks. All of these things caused me to lose feelings completely for him. Being constantly shut down if I tried to talk about anything, always being told I already told him the story when I actually didn't but it felt like he was saying it for me to be quiet. Literally all of my feelings for him are completely gone. I have no passion for him, I'm not attracted to him. I told him he made me hate sex so much I wish it wasn't a thing and I still feel that way. I hate sex so much. Only then, after 5+ years of telling him how he was hurting me over and over again, saying I hate sex made him realize his actions were hurting me. Now, he's completely changed and is kind to me, has been putting in the effort, but I feel mentally done. I don't want to keep pursuing this marriage. I feel like I'm never going to have that passion return back to me ever again. I don't want him at all and just want to give up. Yes, it's a marriage but he hurt me for so long and the feelings left years ago. My nervous system goes into overdrive when I'm with him. I feel nothing but annoyance when he kisses me. I'm done.