u/CandidSmoke2621

Hello! I've tried making a few posts like this but nobody really sticks around, so I'm trying one last time.

I'm 36F, American living in UK, I play on PC and I play mostly cozy games/base builders/survival/farming. Stardew Valley, Sun Haven, Bellwright, Kingdoms Reborn, Runescape Dragonwilds, V rising, Once Human, and any other similar games.

I'm UK time zone but I am usually on until pretty late. I only play on PC. I have 2 cats. I have discord to stay in touch and I match any energy in voice chat, whether you like to chill and be low energy or if you want to yap about complete nonsense. I am not good at games! At all! I get lost, I find a way to make things blow up or catch fire even if that isn't even a mechanic in the game. My favorite dynamic is "I stay home and build and craft, you go out and kill shit and bring home materials for me to build and craft with and make you better stuff to kill better stuff" or something like that.

Most time zones can be worked with, prefer someone 25 or older, fluent English speaker please. Send a message if you're interested! I look forward to hearing from you.

TW : Abuse, SA, Substance Abuse

I need to know if I am fundamentally unlovable. Normally, I'd never make such a vulnerable post for strangers but I am completely at my wits end and I desperately need input.

My history, I'll try to keep it short

I am in my mid 30s, female.

I had an abusive mother, who was an alcoholic and pill popping narcissist. She always made absolutely sure that I always knew I was garbage. If anyone was nice to me, I must have lied to them. If I accomplished anything, I must have cheated. If I am happy, I must be lazy and not doing something I should be doing. She saw children as a way to have free labor and power trips in her home.

My father was completely emotionally unavailable. Raised to be the "tough guy" that never showed emotions. This included any softness toward me. He never told me he loved me, never hugged me, nothing. He was the only one in the house that worked, and most of the time much more than 40 hour weeks, so he was gone a lot anyway and even when he was there he was just... There.

This is where I start taking personal responsibility, as the choices I made were mine alone. I can't help who I was born to or how they are, but this is all on me.

I then had a very long string of abusive relationships. At 18 I had a relationship where I was beaten. I carried that on for a year. At 19 I moved state to be with another boy, and he beat me, raped me, verbally and mentally abused me. This was arguably the worst one. I left that relationship after a year, completely broken. I moved back home and was again at the mercy of my mother.

At 22 I met a boy in my home state who later got accepted to medical school and we moved all the way across the country for that. He never laid hands in me, but it turned out he was a very very severe porn addict and wouldn't touch me for years. I'd walk around the house naked just for the attention, and got ignored, or told I needed to lose weight (I was not even curvy) . Moved home again.

Met a boy at 26, in my home state and then moved across country again for his job. His job had him away a lot, 2 week long stretches and then 1 week to be home. I was with him for 3 years. He had several anger issues. Very severe. Everything was yelled at me, screamed, worse when he was drunk, which was often. One day he came home and hold me he had been cheating on me for all 3 years of our relationship.

This is where I stopped. For nearly a decade I didn't bother with relationships and the heartbreak that came with them. I was done. I did therapy for years, all different kinds, I healed, my mother died, I got past that too.

Now there is today. Despite my best efforts, I ended up falling for someone. I told him everything right there in the beginning, and was completely transparent and honest about my past, and how it had been nearly a decade since I even bothered with a relationship. For a while, it was amazing. I felt safe with him, we vibed, we even had similar pasts in some ways. He became everything to me. We did the long distance thing for a little while, and then planned to visit. I would go to him. 16 hours before my flight, he tells me he doesn't love me anymore, claims I am annoying. To be fair to him, I'm a very emotional person and he is very much not, so I can annoy him with my asking for reassurance, neediness etc. We did the trip anyway to "see how we do in person"

Now the trip is here. I get there, we hug, we drive to the hotel. Immediately everything seems better. He even tells me this directly, that as soon as he saw me it was better. We have fun, we go out, we eat good food, we watch movies and spend beautiful quality time together. A few days before the end of the trip, he tells me it's not working again. Says I'm annoying again. He has not told me a single thing I have done to annoy him, so I have no idea what I have done wrong. When I ask him directly what I did wrong I got hit with "you're just you". No specifics. Then he left.

The next day he came back and we talked a bit and came to the agreement that we would try again. I've since been back home in my country and we are doing the long distance thing again, with plans for the future. Since I've been back, I've missed him so much and I tell him all the time and he never says it back. As of the time of this post, he's gone 3 days without hanging out with me at all, just texts. Even when we do hang out, he absolutely refuses to go on webcam. I have mine on all the time, and he has very briefly done so a couple times, but overall refuses and always has an excuse as to why he doesn't want to be on camera.

I have no idea what to do. After all the past relationships I was in that broke me, and then I did so much to heal, I finally had some hope and now I'm terrified that he is going to leave me too. So I need to know, am I fundamentally unlovable?