i dont know how to put into words sometimes, but i distinctly remember growing up as some one no one preferred. the teachers didnt like me. no one ever complimented me on anything except that i was smart. i used academics as my only redeeming quality until i burnt out.
it was really lonely coz i used to look a bit unfortunate, i wasnt the prettiest. kids would be extremely racist, lowkey acted as if i had cheesetouch. i really try to be objective, like what couldve illicit such a reaction? was i actually off putting in my behaviour? but i truly dont recall.
sometimes i would get in trouble, forgetting notebooks or incomplete homework in elementary school, because i was extremely forgetful, my teacher would tell the class to be away from kids like me. despite the fact i was the top of my class, like i would always get staright As.
in family situations, my relatives would always hoke about how hard it must be for my parents to have a kid like me. and how they would rather have my brother stay over for vacation instead of me. my dad would defend me really fiercely, i am so grateful for that. cause i dont think i couldve had even had an ounce of confidence in life if it werent for him. he always supported me, esp in public.
it also didnt help that i had a cousin brother who sexually abused me a few times, i was 6-7, i didnt totally register it, then.
but idk. i just feel like people used to be extremely mean to me. i have not heard a similar experience from anyone. i have always heard how people think that their younger versions were so cute, but i cant even physically look at mine. i feel so much resentment for that form of me. i had a complete
180 glow up, people treat me SOOOO much better .
sometimes i look at my younger photos and feel so tainted and just… so not childlike. like why did no one treat me like a child? like i was innocent? why did no one ever give me the benefit of the doubt if i was being too bratty or wtv? i dont ever look at a kid despite how rude or even entitled they are as less deserving of kindness. why did no one except my mom and dad actually see me as a kid?