This will probably be long and a bit all over the place, I apologise in advance.
So, I’ve been with my partner (19m) for a year and a month, and he is the most spectacular parter I’ve ever had. I had never even considered having a family one day until I lived with him and understood how amazing it could be to be with someone like him forever. I grew up the first daughter of 6 kids, we were pretty poor and my parent’s relationship was awful. My mother did everything, including being the sole earner. I swore I would never be like my parents and have kids young, that I didn’t want children unless I was 30 and ceo of a company, and I had a genuine fear of what pregnancy would be like.
So of course the birds and the bees whatever, now I’m here. I was wearing my patch at the time but I’m a bit inconsistent with them. I had nausea for a while but I was also sick and then started taking sertraline (Zoloft for Americans) so I blamed it on that. I missed a period, randomly decided to check just in case, took the test a couple hours ago. It showed up straight away. I immediately told my boyfriend and mum. He kind of looked a bit shell shocked and he seems to be very regretful but we had talked seriously about this before (we may have also made too many jokes about it, mocking’s catching ig) and we agree now that for both of us and this thing inside me that we absolutely can’t have it now, neither of us are ready whatsoever.
There’s 5 girls and 2 boys in my family, so we talk very openly about literally everything. My mum and sister always knew my stance on it and agreed that whatever choice made me happy was the best one, and supported my reasons for not feeling family orientated. My mum just told me “chill out, we can get it sorted.” and we’ve been talking since. I know how to get one and I know that everything will be fine.
It’s just that I’m kind of attached to it. I know I won’t keep it, and that’s cause if the time does come that I want to have a child, then I want to be able to give them the whole world because I’d love them so much and want them to have a better life than I’ve had. But I expected to hate it. I expected to freak out and panic but instead I feel a little giddy. Sadness because I know that it can’t continue. Awe at my body. I kind of like it and I like thinking about how it’s half him and half me and I’m supporting it and it’s literally inside me. I still can’t believe it.
I feel kinda under pressure because what if this feeling gets stronger, what if I start fantasising about it and decide to keep it. I would literally ruin both mine and my partner’s life, and I’m not over-exaggerating when I say that. I genuinely don’t want to have it. But if I did, would it be selfish? Is it messed up of me to be happy about this? My boyfriend doesn’t want to get attached and my mum is speaking in medical terms about it, and I know it’s out of love and respect but it feels bad. I feel like it’s a cell, yeah, but with infinite possibilities, I think it’s pretty cool. And it’s ours, and they’d be beautiful.
Should I be clinical about this so it doesn’t hurt in the long run? Im second guessing my child free plans for the distant future, bordering on having a bit of an identity crisis. I just really don’t know how to feel, I don’t know if anyone’s had a similar experience. any advice welcome <3