I have two kids under 5. I think things were ok with the first one. Once we had two it was game over.
I am so tired of being needed all the fucking time. I am so fucking tired of not being able to rest in my own home. Sick of my husband and his resting bitch face and me not being able to tell if he’s mad or not am sick of home feeling hostile. I have been sick for a week. Lost my voice last week. Yesterday was Saturday and all I wanted to do was fucking sleep and instead I voluntarily went to a work meeting and a workout and a birthday party just bc being home is fucking unbearable.
My husband doesn’t even try. We’ve been together a decade and I have been begging for YEARS for us to feel like a couple again and we fucking don’t. He does everything else, cooking and cleaning and watching the kids so I can do stuff, but it’s not the same as actually having a social life and novelty and life outside our house with my partner and it’s like he doesn’t even care.
Last year I fell for someone else who broke my heart and I ran hundreds of miles before I started to heal and my husband didn’t even notice. Right now I’m catching feelings for someone else and it’s the only thing that makes me happy.
Today after everyone went to bed I went to a fuckin 10pm movie because I have to do shit like that to have any personal space and when I got back OF COURSE my 4 year old isn’t in bed, of course he woke up panicking, because I can’t have anything for myself, ever.
I’m also madly in love with my boss because nothing else brings me fucking joy and after this all I want to do is google flights across the country to my shitty hometown because I’m so done with my everyday life where every single day I am home with my husband and kids all I can think is “I hate my life.” Once a car nearly hit me and I didn’t even give a fucking shit.
And whenever I get to go out with my friends or go to work or whatever I think about how life is wonderful and worth living. I run distance. I will literally run 10 miles just to be alone and remember how big the world is and how life is a good thing. But home doesn’t feel like home and I’m so pissed that my kid couldn’t even just stay in bed for 3 hours without panicking. I’m so fucking sick of this shit and it would be worth it if I had a partner I was still in love with but no I just have a roommate who tries to prove his worth by doing infinite chores (so I can’t even complain about him not pulling his weight) but doing literally fucking nothing about my emotional needs. I am so tired of begging. We have couples therapy later this week and I don’t even want to talk about anything real bc after that, IMMEDIATELY after that we have a fucking parent teacher conference.
The highlight of my week is getting coffee with my married boss who talks to me about movies and does sarcastic banter with me. And my other part time job that I do for fun. But every single fucking moment I am at home I lose the will to live and I am so sick of fighting for my fucking marriage I am so done
Edit to add: my parents are coming to visit us soon! And my mom is gonna ask me ten thousand times if my husband is mad at her I DONT FUCKING KNOW LADY THIS IS MY NUMBER ONE TRIGGER STOP FUCKING ASKING ME TO TRANSLATE HIS PERSONALITY im so done with everyone