Please excuse the throw-away account (I am happy to provide mods with my primary) and my scattered thoughts, I am just kinda screaming in the void, grateful to have found this place, where I can hopefully be understood.
My husband has BPD (he informed me about this after we got married). We've been together for over a decade, although I wanted to leave him twice. The last time I wanted to leave him was when I decided to go back to school. I wanted to study in a different city and move out of our apartment with the financial help of my parents. But I got cold feet eventually and decided to stay, because leaving was scary. I settled for a different study program in our city, so that I wouldn't need to relocate (relocating has always been out of question for him). Probably like in any marriage, we had good and bad times. He isn't all bad, and I am not all good, yet I read something here (an old post or comment about what someone's therapist told them), that deeply (and rather painfully) resonated with me. It was about needing to be the pwBDP's rock at all times and not getting similar treatment in return. I am always there for him when he needs to be emotionally regulated, yet whenever I am experiencing emotional unrest, he is simply not available to me. There are a lot of rigid rules in our every day life, all revolving around his schedule and needs and I simply have to adapt. To be honest with you, I was raised by a narcistic mother and am kinda useful to this kind of treatment, that's probably the reason that I stayed for so long. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is neglect. He spends around 90% of his free time on his computer, gaming and such. When he isn't on his computer, he is most likely gaming on his phone. We don't have a fixed dinner time and I always have to initiate it, if I want us to have dinner together. He never plans any date nights or things of that nature, the most "exciting" thing that we do together is buying groceries (most of the time I buy them alone though). This hasn't always been like this, and I feel like the only way to make him interested in me is to show no interest at all. Whenever I want to leave him, he becomes an angel and wants to do everything in his power to improve the relationship. As I said earlier, he isn't a bad person, he can be very empathetic, but he is rather self-absorbed, and I am kinda... well, opposite of that. I told him that his neglect hurts me and that I can't keep going like this, but I feel like he doesn't really care, because his life is all about what he wants. To be honest with you, I feel kinda guilty about complaining in the first place because he isn't violent, and I don't even contribute financially, I guess the freeing thing is I can basically do whatever I want. Well, except for having a meaningful relationship.
And I know, logically, I have to graduate my studies, and then I can finally leave for good. I am not really asking what I should do in the practical sense... I guess my question is, how do you cope with these situations emotionally? How to preserve my sanity in the next 2-3 years until I get a job and can secure my own existence? How do I know cave in and stay in this marriage again?