I don't know what to feel
I'm not sure if my case is 100% vaginismus, but I hope I will find understanding here.
I have been with my boyfriend since high school, over 6 years now. Sex was incredibly painful at the beginning, like horrible pain. Gynaecologist didn't see anything wrong, I went to a PT few times but it was expensive and I'm still a student. Eventually the pain subsided, but the sex isn't mind blowing or anything close to it. Sex life was very irregular.
In the mean time, I unfortunately got addicted to pornography - masturbation was easier, felt like less pressure on me and felt good. Two months free from it now, I started appointments with a sex therapist.
But all that turmoil got me thinking... I love my boyfriend, he is really great, he never pressured me, at least not consciously of course. But sometimes I'm afraid that because of those first insanely painful experiences and all the weight that I felt on myself due to inability to have normal, regular sex, what if I never really developed a bond with him in the aspect of sexual intimacy?
I know he's a bit tired of our sex life, I don't blame him. I've been running from it instead of facing it and dealing with it, that's my bad. I'm afraid that what's done is done at this point.
I'm afraid that I will forever have these blockages in my head and that even if I ever enter another relationship in the future, I still will be unable have the sex life I imagine would be good.
Sometimes I think I "turned" asexual because of all that.