This is do long and just because I don’t know how else to word all of this. This is a throwaway, as I can’t risk it. I’ve been with my husband for 34 years, and I’m honestly struggling to understand what’s normal anymore.
Our emotional intimacy has been getting worse for a long time.
About 14 years ago, we made a major move because we were both supposed to have the chance to pursue new opportunities. He has a very stable profession that’s employable anywhere. My field is much more location-specific, especially for bigger opportunities.
I didn’t want to move, but he was deeply unhappy where we were, and I agreed because it was supposed to be a stepping stone for both of us.
Instead, I ended up taking the back seat while his career moved forward and I’ve struggled ever since.
Things became even harder after two major accidents — one almost 10 years ago and another 5 years later. I was trying to grow my business, but the overhead is high. I’m well regarded in my field, but financially it’s been difficult, and this seems to have created resentment in him.
He has always been extremely anxious about money and very controlling around it. He tends to make major decisions, and if I question them, he tells me I’m “stifling” him.
We barely make plans together anymore because it feels like he doesn’t want to commit to anything.
Tonight, I was crying. He asked why, and I simply said, “I’m lonely.”
He immediately started yelling, saying he was lonely too, then launched into a list of things he says are wrong with me.
This is what always happens.
If I express sadness, loneliness, hurt, or disappointment in a calm way, he takes it as a personal attack. Then he turns it into an argument, tears me down personally, and somehow by the end I’m the one being blamed for “starting trouble.”
He says he “can’t take” my feelings and that I’m always upset.
But I’m not constantly upset. I’m generally a happy, stable person. I’m just trying to express vulnerability and talk about the lack of emotional intimacy in our marriage.
He has literally said he wants nothing to do with hearing about how I feel.
At the same time, he accuses me of not caring about him.
After these arguments, I often feel so hopeless that I have suicidal thoughts.
Another example: on my birthday, a friend took me out. I asked him for a ride. He got angry because he had planned to go to the gym, then started yelling at me about unrelated things right before I was supposed to meet my friends. I was holding back tears on my birthday.
If I cry at night, he tells me to stop because he needs to sleep and says that if I’m crying, it proves I “don’t give a shit” about his sleep.
He never apologizes or takes accountability.
If I try to say the conflict is mutual, he responds with sarcasm like, “Oh right, I’m just a shitty husband then.”
It feels impossible to resolve anything. Usually he gives me the silent treatment until I apologize, or he expects me to act cheerful the next day like nothing happened.
I genuinely don’t know anymore:
Is this emotional abuse?
Or is this just what happens when two people have grown apart and communicate badly?
I feel like I’m losing perspective after so many years.
The accidents left me very physically complex. I gained a lot of weight (lost lots now) and was just recently diagnosed not with just one but multiple autoimmune diseases. I also have a genetic metabolic disease that has given me early onset heart disease.
I’m on about a dozen medications and have not felt this great in 10 years.
He will throw things in my face when he knows prior I was to ill to do much else besides run my business, work and survive.
I’m not allowed to talk about it either.
I’m so confused.
On the outside, he looks like the nicest person. What people don’t know is that he doesn’t listen. He just nods and smiles. So he comes across as very obliging.
But not so much at home. As I won’t accept the blank smiles and nods and expect real reciprocity.
I feel crazy.