I am F(21) my ex-boyfriend M(20). Forgive me for my bad grammar, english is not my language. We were dating for 2 years, long distance relationship (LDR) and we broke up for the first time. At first he initiated the break up because he told me he lost his romantic feelings and he feel disconnected towards not only to me but to everyone because he has a lot of things going on his life such as his family, bills, job-pressure, friends-pressure and also our constant fights, he felt misunderstood by me, his family, and friends and he felt not forgiven by me. I know I'm not the victim here too because I know I wasn't able to comfort him or even give him relief with his problems and I was selfish for being needy. He felt lonely.
But I know I've done my part, I always understood his side and take considerations as much as I can. I do forgive him but he thinks I don't because I always bring up the same problem to him (his p0*n addiction, laziness, neglection, broken promises, not putting much effort like he used to) and how it truly affects me. Whenever I bring up what bugs me, he does comfort me and reassures me but when its about him. He always feel attacked and gets freaked out.
All I wanted is to be heard and for him to take action and change what hurts me. Yet he keep doing the same thing over and over again, keep making excuses and such. I keep tolerating it because I love him so much and because I know he will change in the end. But he ended our relationship. I was confused after that day because I noticed how is he not sad at all? why am I the only one who cares about our 2 years relationship? why am I the only one suffering? And suddenly my gut feeling told me that "maybe he's going after to the woman you always feel jealous of whenever he's hanging out with her" And I was right. He already had an eye for this lady already while we even still together and the sad part, she was my friend too...he was trying to get to another woman who he thinks will fulfill him (his loneliness all along).
So, I felt cheated, abandoned, and replaced. I was upset yet I still loved him dearly. All I wanted is to be loved..
However, this woman was a "girl's-girl" she knew he was being unfaithful the moment my ex told her me and him broke up and suddenly flirting with her, complimenting about her appearance and talking about marriage and dating stuff with her so she tried to get along and push it to see if he will bite more, and he did bite even more. The woman was about to tell me about it but she was too late due to time zones I guess. Before she could tell me, my ex came back to me after that day because he realized his mistake and he finally realized that his heart truly belongs to me.
He felt so wrong doing it and I felt relieved at that time because I was desperate. We had a long conversation and how we will figure it out and fix things. We told each other what we need from each other and what we need to understand about each other. But, I was deeply scarred of what he did. I felt like a "2nd choice" "replaceable" "unlovable" "easy to put aside and forget about" but at the same time I was also happy because he chose me again. I am pathetic yet I am too empathetic about everything because I still understands him after all that... his situation, his feeling of loneliness of why he did that.
Until I couldn't bare what my family and friends say that "You deserve better and you shouldn't have come back to him"...part of me already knows that yet I still chose him and finally I see his changes, he was blooming, he plans our game day/night and movies. He act more soft and gentle. Yet I was being destroyed of feeling overwhelmed, overthinking "did I make the right choice?" and extreme fear and doubt of "what if he will do it again but much worse? how will I know he will actually do better until the end before or after I healed? and not only today because I was hurt?" "Why does he have to lose me before realizing my worth in the first place?"
I felt pressured and blinded with fear and anxiety because I have a fear of being like one of my aunt's who ended up miserable in their life because of their husband. And I am very ambitious and I have big goals in life, I wanna be successful and do things I dreamed of.
So, this time, I initiated the break up because I couldn't handle the pressure of coming back. He was upset maybe because he felt betrayed and was shocking for him and I feel incredibly guilty. It felt unfair on my side because, why would you be upset just because I feel this way after what you did? and he felt unfair too because he was doing an effort already and I understand his pain. In a few moments, he finally understands my feelings and limit our interactions..
We decided to be acquaintances until I've healed and focused more to Jesus. Yet, 1 week passed, I keep thinking about him, I couldn't heal, I cry every damn night yearning for him and I felt regret because he was ACTUALLY putting effort this time and I blew it again. So, after a lot of thinking, I messaged him if we could talk again. Waiting his reply until he wakes up. I don't know anymore...I just wanted things to back to how it used to be..we have so much plans in our future, our future family and house, our future farm life and all that. So, it's incredibly hard for me to let this go because this is also my very first relationship with someone. My first boyfriend ever.