I (25M) have been with my fiancé (27F) for 5 years, engaged for 1, and during that time I have developed quite a problem in terms of drug use. When we met I’d occasionally smoke weed, but as the years went on I was introduced to adderall and cocaine, and that’s when I developed an issue. It’s not like I was on it all the time, but when I did and do it, I do very impulsive and “crazy” things.
For the past year I’ve been sober maybe 355 out of 365 days, but damn those ten days were terrible, and I keep relapsing. What I worry about is we are going to get married next year, and I feel like I can’t keep putting her through this. I don’t feel confident enough that I’m going to not relapse again, despite wanting to believe that I won’t. I go to meetings, have a therapist, have a sponsor and everything, but I’m also in a committed relationship that’s supposed to last forever soon. I’m just scared and I’m having doubts that this is the appropriate time in my life to be doing this. To top it all off, she has an adderall prescription, and whilst I don’t steal it, knowing it’s around me (in a safe that I don’t know the code for) has been the catalyst for me seeking it out (not an excuse). Thoughts?