Long story short I've been dating a guy for about two months now and it's been really, really, good. We've spent quite a bit of time together. We've gone on a weekend getaway and a concert and have just he's met some of my friends, i've met couple of his friends and brother over facetime. Everything seems too good to be true.
We had a conversation Wednesday night about his uncertainty about dating, and once I started pressing a bit more (in a respectful way), it came out that he is scared of a safe relationship his patterns include turmoil home from his childhood and so his previous relationships have all been very toxic. I think I'm the first girl he's dated that's been very "normal". He even alluded that safety scares him. I reassured him that i've been through the same pattern, and that the only way through is to face it head on.
I walked away from the conversation, a bit uneasy. we had agreed to slow down the pace of dating, as well as let him lead it a bit more. I did tell him as well that I don't need to speak all day every day and that I'm gonna step back and let him lead and initiate our dates, and also told him that evening check-in mean more to me than talking all day. He has checked in twice since Wednesday (yay actions)
Everyone in my life, I've talked to has said to let actions speak louder than words, but I find myself still upset about the uncertainty.
I genuinely believe he could be someone I'm with long-term if he gets through his trauma and past patterns. I told him during our conversation that I can't be his therapist or his fixer but I'm willing to help him in his journey, and lightly expressed he should revisit the idea of therapy again.
Honestly, from my side, it was the most emotionally mature conversation I've ever had - no tears, yelling etc. of course i balled my eyes out for two days, but somewhat am at peace with it.
From what he's told me, he hasn't been dating anyone else even went on a guys trip where they were ragging on him for not hooking up with girls while there. I vunerably admitted i had been on a date whilst he was out of town but cut it off the next morning since he was all i could think about.
He said that he cared about me enough to have this conversation, but is also worried if we continue and he can't shake the uncertainty he's scared he's gonna break my heart.
I think what I'm struggling with the most is giving him the space but also understanding this from a males perspective. I would greatly appreciate men's input, especially if you've had a volatile upbringing and are consciously aware of your patterns, but don't "know" how to solve them.
Also would like to know how to continue on in myself as i know he has uncertainty and not to lose myself in the process again? I don't do well with ambiguity, and i feel myself detaching and bracing for impact although we had agreed to continue.
Tia