I have low supports needs Autism and I am also 10 weeks pregnant. This is my first and last pregnancy as my partner and I plan to sterilize after birth. This was a wanted pregnancy.
I am straight up not having a good time, my sensory overwhelm is constant and I literally feel like I am always a second away from vomiting or crying all the time. I feel like I am regressing so much, I have no extra energy to mask facial expressions and come off as just angry and apathetic to everyone.
I already had food aversions and now with the pregnancy I have not enjoyed eating or drinking anything the whole time I’ve been pregnant. The only foods I feel a drive to eat at all tend to be expensive foods that require ordering in or eating out. And it’s killing my finances already.
I can’t clean up after myself without vomiting on my clothes or kitchen. I’ve started to hate my dog because of his smell which is vile to me and I hate myself for that because he loves me so much and doesn’t understand why I am distant.
At work I feel completely checked out, and I feel like such a burden there because I can no longer do half of my work duties because of my symptoms. But I simply can’t afford not to work so I just make myself do what I can and feel terrible all day.
I have no energy to engage in my special interests too.
I’m fortune to have a partner who tries very hard to take care of me but he also works very long hours to try to help our financial situation and I feel guilty how much of a burden I am on him even though he tells me he loves me and not to think like that.
Being pregnant is really hard, and having sensory issues and food aversions from autism makes it even harder. I feel so incredibly vulnerable now.
I do want this baby but I feel like I’m walking through hell barefoot to get it. I fear that if I’m having this much of a hard time pregnant that I’m going to have as hard of a time with motherhood and it makes me feel so guilty.
Any other autistic birth givers out there have any stories or anecdotes to make me feel less alone?