u/CaligurlinNC

Sorry for the long post but I am really stuck on what to do. I 31 female and my husband 29 male have been together for 9 years married 6. We never had a wedding and honestly do not regret it in the slightest. We went to the courthouse (which was an absolute nightmare because of my mom but that is a different story) because we wanted to get all the legal stuff and paperwork done and then plan a wedding later as there is a lot to do when you marry someone in the military. We were planning on having one the year after, but 3 months later I found out I was pregnant and then the spicy cough happened and shut the world down so our plans were postponed. The year after, he got stationed elsewhere so we moved away from my family and were there for 4 years.
Well last year he got stationed back to where I am from, and now we have 2 kids. Ever since my family found out we were coming back, they have been pushing us to have a wedding or as my mom says a vow renewal since we had gotten married at the courthouse it would not be considered a wedding (insert eyeroll). In all honesty neither of us really want to. We are kind of considering it as the only thing we really regret about the courthouse was inviting my parents and not telling his, as they are amazing. When we decided on the courthouse, it was a couple of weeks after he proposed and we decided to just do it as we do really love each other and didn’t really want to plan a whole thing knowing it would be stressful and my family would not help pay for anything and I definitely did not want to rely on his to pay for one as they are significantly better off than mine. I know his family would love for us to have one and the main reason my family wants us to have one is because I did not have my dad walk me down the "aisle" at the courthouse. We were only doing it so fast so we could get paperwork and stuff done so we honestly were not even planning on treating it like we were married or that it was a wedding.
I do not really get along with my dad anymore. He made some not so good decisions and I have distanced myself significantly over the years and only have somewhat of one with him for the sake of my kids. I have cut certain family members completely out of my life but those were for extreme reasons to the point where I don’t even want them around my kids because of how toxic they are. My dad has made some bad choices but my kids love him and I am not trying to make my feelings about him, their feelings. Especially since he has cleaned up his act significantly and is putting in the effort as a grandparent. But if we do have a wedding I am still not sure if I would even want him to walk me down the aisle now. Over the past few years my husband's sisters got married and mine did as well and I was more involved with hers. I saw how stressful it was for all of them, especially my sister who hates the spotlight and a lot of things that came with the wedding and honestly she is an absolute rockstar for making it through the day. Seeing the stress they all went through definitely doesn’t make me want to have one.
We live in California and I know some of the costs associated with my sister's wedding and scary is an understatement. I don’t know how much my in-laws' weddings were but they live in the midwest so definitely significantly cheaper than here. We attended all of them and they were all absolutely beautiful and amazing and still so happy for all of them. But personally, I don't think it would be for us. Like the stress wouldn’t be even remotely worth it especially with how involved my family would demand to be. My husband especially is an introvert and we both have large families so it would be hard to make it a small thing. There would also be a ton of drama just with my family that is like watching a telenovela because it is just that crazy with them. There was some drama some of my family caused at my sister's wedding that was a lot on her even though she handled it like a pro.
We already get to get dressed up every year and have pictures done as he is a Marine and we go to the ball every year he’s home and always make it a point to get nice pictures done so it’s not like we don’t like getting dressed up. My family is pushing us to do it and my mom says I owe it to my dad, and his family doesn't care much and both understand and respect why we haven’t done it and don't blame us for not really wanting to do it. I know he does not want to go through the process of planning, paying for it, or anything on top of the fact that there is no guarantee he would be home for it as his job can take him away at any second with minimal heads up. I personally would be perfectly happy getting a dress and just getting pictures done with my husband and kids and our dog who is also our baby and would call that a success. We also would be the ones to pay for it since I know my family for sure would not help and I would feel guilty asking my in-laws for help because I wouldn't feel right if mine didn't help just the same.All in all I feel like the negatives outweigh the positives for why we should have one but we are getting more and more pressured to do it before he gets stationed elsewhere. I know my husband would do it if I really want one but he also would know it would mostly be because of the pressure from my family. So am I the asshole for not wanting one? I am ready to tell my family that it will never happen period and when we do a little vow renewal it will just be us and our kids as we have talked about that.