I (F) have been in a relationship with my Dom (M) for over 2 years now. I knew from the beginning that he is a switch and was totally fine with it. I have from day 1 however made it clear that I will never top him. I have tried it in previous dynamics and hated it.
Things seemed to be working well, we kept things as we like to call it, “mildly open”. The way this has worked for us has looked like this…
We have been well established as each other’s primary partner from Day 1. He would occasionally go bottom with a few trusted tops he knows from before we met and I would occasionally meet up with a partner I’ve had on and off for a few years now who is only in the area maybe 3-4 times a year and a more sensual/primal style partner rather than a dynamic. Anything else regarding pick up play, group play, etc. we discuss together before engaging with anyone. Everything has been great, we live together full time and are happy, and have had lots of fun exploring all sides of ourselves.
About 4-5 months ago, things started shifting. Vanilla life was hectic and I let some of my tasks as his submissive slack. He understood I was insanely busy and let it slide. I would journal about how I needed a little more “dominance” in day-to-day life from him. I appreciated that he was understanding my life circumstances at the time, but I asked him to be more strict with me and not let things slide to help me stay on track and keep our roles active. He would respond saying that he was happy to do so and that he just needed to adjust because doing so in previous relationships had been shot down as they were more play only dynamics rather than our 24/7 dynamics like ours. Our sex life was still great and he was very dominant in bed but day-to-day life was where I needed more. It felt like our dynamic was becoming more vanilla. Over the next month or two, actual sex went away almost completely as did any impact play, bondage, etc. We would do impact play in scenes at parties, but that was it and as far as anything else… blow jobs, hand jobs, fingering, etc. was as far as it went. Actual sex completely stopped happening. As a note, due to some physical limitations at the moment with my knees, I can’t be on top. It has been this way since about 2
Months after we met and has never been an issue, but the only way for penetrative sex is for him to either be on top, behind, etc. So no, as some of my friends suggested I can’t just “jump his bones and ride him” 🤣
Anyways… We have had some very open discussions as to why this is happening and what we both need. We are both aware of it and want to address it and continue to grow our dynamic. Overtime, our other partners have disappeared so it is only him and I. This was not intentional. It was just organically what happened… no bad blood anywhere, no break ups, just time and availability to see our other partners. As I have continued to consistently express a need for more dominance from him, he has agreed that this part of our dynamic is lacking and wants to rekindle it.
However… he is just as often, if not more often expressing his desire to bottom again. It has been probably 10 months since he last bottomed where it used to happen 2-3x per month. Just like before, I have no objections to him bottoming as long as he does not expect me to be the one to top him, but what is happening is it feels like he is expecting me to help set up the opportunity for him. He asks me to respond to tops on other threads giving them permission to reach out to him, he wants me to interact with his posts within the community expressing that I am ok with it and encouraging people to reach out, he asks me to have conversations about it with tops at munches, etc.
I am struggling with this for a few reasons…
1 - as someone who is submissive to her core, giving my Dom permission to do something feels weird
2 - I always saw things with our other partners as things we peruse on our own, I feel like he wants me to be his wingman and I dont love that feeling
3 - It feels like he is placing more importance on bottoming than getting our dynamic back to where it was a few months ago. I have made it clear that vanilla relationships don’t interest me and it terrifies me that I feel like my dynamic is slipping because I truly do love him as both a partner and Dom… I just need the Dom part too
4 - our in person social and social media styles are VERY different and it feels like he is asking me to change mine. He is the social butterfly always approaching people, commenting on community boards, posts, threads, etc. I am the opposite. I have my core (very small) group of my people and other than that I don’t approach people, comment on social media, etc. without being approached or directly addressed first. I’m like this in my kink life and vanilla life.
5 - he had mentioned me coming with him to a scene where he is bottoming and I don’t think I want to… for me, he is my Dom and I can’t even visualize him being restrained, receiving impact, etc.
I guess what I’m asking is am I crazy to feel this way? How do I bring this up with him without him feeling like I’m shaming his sub side? Am I being a bad partner for feeling this way?
Help! He is truly the most wonderful partner I have ever had and I will happily put in the work to fix this!