Most people look at my life and would think, wow, she made something of herself. But the reality is that I SH almost daily, have severe SI, and my spouse…is not a kind or gentle person. I’m in therapy…currently working on writing a letter to my spouse saying that things have to change.
After discussing with a friend and my therapist, I’ve decided to read a letter aloud to my husband over the phone while I am out of state on a work trip in a few weeks. I feel it’s in my best interest to be physically far away in case he reacts poorly. My tendency is to appease and be overly compliant, so my therapist suggested that my letter be firm and clear. I used AI to help me put my thoughts together and form the letter. Please read it and give me your thoughts:
“I need you to listen to this fully before responding. I’m going to read this all the way through.
I’m saying this calmly and clearly because it’s important, and because I need to be honest about what my experience in this marriage has been.
Over the years, the verbal and sexual abuse has been constant, and the physical violence has been cyclical but is now escalating. Living in this environment has had a severe impact on me.
I live with ongoing fear. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, monitoring your mood, trying not to say or do the wrong thing so I don’t trigger an outburst. When I can tell you’re in a bad mood, my anxiety spikes because I don’t know what will happen.
I do not feel safe in my own home.
This has affected my mental health in serious ways. I feel anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve lost a sense of stability and safety in my own life.
Something else I need you to understand is that as I’ve grown in my career and worked hard to succeed, the physical violence has escalated. I’ve found myself feeling like I need to shrink or give up my success just to keep the peace. That is not healthy, and it is not something I can continue to live with.
I also need to be very clear about the sexual aspect of our relationship. I was raised to believe that it was my duty to always be available, but that belief has been used in a way that has caused me harm. I do not have the right to say no in this marriage as it currently exists, and that is not acceptable. Sex without my full willingness and sense of safety is not okay.
Because of all of this, things need to change.
These are not suggestions. These are requirements if this marriage is going to continue:
There must be no physical violence of any kind.
There must be no physical intimidation.
There must be no name-calling or verbal abuse.
There will be no sexual contact unless I feel safe and am fully willing to consent.
You need to engage in individual therapy, and we need to participate in couples therapy.
I am not asking for perfection, but I am requiring real, consistent change over time—not promises in the moment.
If these changes do not happen and are not sustained, I will leave this marriage.
This is not something I am saying impulsively. I have thought this through carefully. I am choosing to be clear because I need safety, respect, and stability in my life.
After I finish reading this, I am willing to hear your response, as long as the conversation remains calm and respectful. If it becomes hostile or manipulative, I will end the conversation.”