The love of my life
The girl of my dreams left after she hit me because I was making fun of her show being sarcastic thinking I was funny but it happened a few times across a few months for diff reasons I blew up finally told her leave if she couldn’t control her emotions and keep her hands off me but I didn’t really want to lose her. Anyway she left she said she had things in herself to work on and said she really isn’t interested in being in a relationship rn but still said she loved me and cried the few times she saw me to move her stuff out and she said she can’t see me cause she’d fall for me and come crawling back. I don’t understand why she wants me but doesn’t and after about a month of begging for her to try and put effort in to us work past issues and become better persons as I was working on my issues and have already become a better person and stopped many bad habits like drinking insane amounts I was almost totally sober besides sometimes when we had sex, and a lot more things I was working on improving.
She said she just wanted to be friends but wasn’t treating me very well as a friend so I blew up again called her immature and told her she’s giving up on us even though I thought we both saw what we had as beautiful and healthy in many ways, and I said I was hurt the way she talked and treated me the last month or so but compared to our past relationships we are 21f and I’m 24m what we had was wonderful she even said she agreed and always has. We haven’t texted for almost 3 weeks since I told her that, I blocked her temporarily so I couldn’t see a response and I feel my words came from a place of pain and not understanding why I was being treated this way.
I am mad at her for giving up. She did admit over the phone a month ago she thinks her parents are proud of her for being single so she wants to stay like that to make them proud but I think that’s silly her parents told her every week we visited them when we dated they were proud of her. They just always are proud like parents should be and she’s using as a reason to be single if she wants to be single I get that and will leave it be, I don’t want to leave if she’s lost and needs help rn and I know her I feel like she’s struggling rn in every way not knowing what to do in life, not able to make her own decisions and do things for herself but rather for others and their opinions, struggling accepting love, etc.
I want to reach back out apologies for my past talk and get her back in my life honestly in any form I just feel some weird universal pull like I’m “not allowed” to text her like I shouldn’t try to repair or be the first one to text idk if I should wait see if she reaches back out first or if I should just do it and tell her I love her and I want to be there for her through anything and everything maybe try to explain why I reacted the way I did. I made promises to her and I don’t break promises, I told her I’d be there for her forever the good and bad and I’m feeling strongly I need to be doing that right now and I’m not I love this woman I want to give her everything she wants but she asked for space so I’ve given space but it’s getting hard.
I’m torn between honoring her request and doing what I promised her I’d do for her and be there be a shoulder for her to cry on be an ear to listen. Should I try to text her see where she is in life or let her be until or if she ever comes back on her time?