u/COKE-A-COLA-ADDICT-

1, I got insomnia medicine to help me sleep, but now I have to bear my fucking nightmares again and I hate it so much. I want to peel my skin off my body. I hate it. I hate this.

2, I got antidepressants and I feel like im just forcing myself to exist, to smile, to joke, to move, TO BREATHE. I CAN BARELY FUCKING BREATHE. Like sometimes I stop breathing and I have to remind myself to breathe again. Idk.

3. I am so, so, so nauseous. I cant play my instrument in band without blacking out for a second after each song.

I feel so fake and tired all the time, and worst of all? I feel suicidal still but I gave my mom my weapons and now I just feel lost and I wish I was dead. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to be dead. I hate medicine. I hate it. I hate me, I hate how shitty i still feel when they promised me the medicine would help. WHY ISNT IT HELPING? It feels like its making it all worse to be honest.

I hate this. I hate how forced everything feels, I hate how childish and bubbly I've been acting when in reality I just want to curl up in a little ball and die, I hate how shitty I sound rn because I've been wishing i'd get help for my mental health for forever now and yet as soon as I get it, I complain like a whiny ass bitch. I'm such a monster. I don't deserve this medicine.

Every time I think of little, kiddo me, I want to shrivel up and die.

Little me was loud and obnoxious, and just super desperate for attention. All my friends hated me and I used to get bullied SO much.

I wish I could erase little me, like expo marker off a whiteboard, but I can't. I've run far away from little me, but sometimes I get loud and I can just feel my younger selfish personality and childness peeking out and I despise it.

I spend hours perfecting myself, practicing how to walk properly, practicing how to smile, practicing things to say to questions or question formats that always confuse me, practicing my handwriting, laying out outfits, practicing polite expressions and nods that wont make me look like "a bobblehead,", etc.

But its never enough. Even though I've moved to a different state and made a whole new version of me, there are still moments where I behave too idiotic, or someone finds something new for me to fix, like the bobblehead comment. I didn't even know i nodded too much or too 'aggressively' until someone pointed it out, smh.

Im covered in scars, showers always hurt, I'm constantly looking for ways to hide my sh, and I just feel destroyed. Worst part is I still dont want to stop. I hate this and I hate how I feel like I deserve this.