I’m looking to share my story and also get advice.
I gave birth to my son, our first child, at 39 + 3 with a planned C-section, and he passed away after an hour and 15 minutes.
For some context, at my 19 week anatomy scan my OB noticed there was some issues with his kidney development. The following week, we went to see a maternal fetal specialist, and she confirmed the finding: our son had one kidney with cysts, and the other kidney did not form. This resulted in a non-functioning renal system, which is “not compatible with life”. He had no amniotic fluid, as that is the primary function of the renal system in utero. As a result, his lungs would never get a chance to expand and practice “breathing“.
I did so much research to see if there’s anything that could be done to help him survive, but none of it was a guarantee. Our doctors thought he would pass away early due to growth restrictions or cutting off cord access.
That never happened. I felt my baby boy move inside of me for 19 more weeks. We went to doctor’s appointments every other week where we saw our little boy on the ultrasound, and heard his heartbeat. It was strong every time. He was growing. Even two weeks before his birth, he did not have any growth restrictions.
My husband and I had 20 weeks to prepare our hearts to give birth to our son, who was not going to make it. Nothing prepared me for what I am experiencing now though.
We had the best case scenario of a worst case scenario. He lived so much longer than we thought he was going to. A lot of our family got to hold him while he was alive. We got to hear him cry. So many things about his birth were a blessing. He was beautiful.
Now I’m home, trying to fill my days with something. At my job I’m used to being very busy. But now I’m at home on maternity leave, with no baby. I’ve been organizing, coloring, reading, and I even picked up crochet. These things entertain me for a little while, but then the loss is just still there. My friends and family have rallied around my husband and me and we have so much support. We have pictures of my son around the house, I made a photo album, we have his urn, and a shelf dedicated to him in our house. People ask me how I’m feeling and we talk about him.
I know things will get better over time. I’m only three weeks out from this loss; but, I just wanted to see if anyone had any suggestions about what helped them cope with their grief during this time of waiting with empty arms. I know there is not any one way to grieve, but I’ve never had to deal with a loss this significant.
Thank you for any advice.