Can anyone who has quit smoking weed genuinely say it has had a positive long term impact?
To preface, I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 14 turning 15 years old. I started smoking regularly when I was 18 and within the last 4 years I’ve switched to THC cartridges. I was going through about six 1 gram carts in a week and a half’s time. I quit 2 days ago to prepare for an upcoming drug test for a job I really want. I just turned 25 this year. I’ve been through multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, long term residential treatment facilities, countless traumatic experiences that I’d rather not rehash, and the only consistent throughout all of that time, was weed. I don’t know how else to explain it besides I feel as if I’m trying to survive the death of my sense of self. I’ve always had that feeling in the back of my mind that I should quit. I knew that the weed was giving me the adverse effects of what I was using it to prevent. And most recently, panic attacks. But with all that said, why is there still this urge to go back to smoking? I know what’s on the line, I know what I have to do, but I feel as if the weed is my only way of ensuring myself that I can do those things. Although as I mentioned it has had the opposite effects on me and has given me panic attacks, when I wake up for work,or for chores I don’t want to do, or for anything really and smoke before I do those things, my brain becomes numb enough where I can get through those things just enough. Without it, I feel as if I have imposter syndrome. Can anyone else relate? Do these feelings last forever and will the urge to return to smoking always be this strong? I know experiences vary from person to person but I was just looking for someone who’s had experience with quitting long term to give me some hope I guess.
Edit: I can’t respond to all of them but from the bottom of my heart, I wanna thank each and every person that took the time to comment and share their own insight. I’m taking the time to read through and reflect on every single one and I’m sorry if I don’t get back to everyone. This has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done in a long time, but seeing all the support and stories in the comments only motivates me to want to quit more. I know it’s possible and within my grasp I just have to want it bad enough, fill my day with things I love to do, and seek out help from a psychiatrist and psychologist. Maybe I’ll incorporate some of your ideas as well like meditation and the 6 pillars book. Thank you all again, so much