u/BuyerMaximum8026

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Hi guys, first time I'm posting on Reddit and not quite sure how to do this, but appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this mess!

///Before I get to the "issues", here's some CONTEXT:///

Basically I met someone about 3 months ago out of the blue, in the most unexpected of circumstances and it felt really like love at first sight (I know that doesn't really exist, but you get me?). We hit it off at a part instantly; I found her extremely beautiful, with a great sense of humor. We very quickly started properly seeing each other and maybe too intensely in one way: we saw each other at least 5 times a week and I know I myself am problematic in this domain because I prioritized my time with her over everything else instead of taking things slower.

There's a reason why I was a bit intense though: this is the first girl with whom I've had such a strong connection with a girl I was romantically interested in (I've been in 3 relationships previously for context, I never managed to really have a connection like I did with this girl) -> for me a proper lasting relationship should involve romantic interest but the person has to also first and foremost be your friend; being able to spend a whole day doing random activities or to simply enjoy one another's company without getting fed up is key in my opinion; with this girl I finakky had both: I found her insanely beautiful, cute, funny, smart and interesting, we could easily spend a whole day with each other without getting fed up.

There were some things I should've been careful of though: her brother passed away 5 months ago (the "s-word"), and this person was extremely close to her. With time I also found out she has a complicated family situation wherein I find her mother a horrible person who'd tell her horrendous things like: "you're too much for anyone to ever want to be in a relationship with you"; I myself have a very bad family so I don't necessarily see an issue with that I believed we could understand each other better if anything.

I'm a student in law, about to finish in a year's time, she's already working (she finished her studies last year, working as a lawyer now).

I have major issues with communicating/setting boundaries because of a somewhat abusive family background: I'd learned to adapt to people and put my needs aside. In previous relationships this has been a problem: when there was disrespectful behavior or things I was uncomfortable with, I would struggle to speak up, and when I would I feel like things wouldn't change and I'd still stay (which is entirely my fault of course).

The main example is that: in a previous relationship my partner had to stay in touch with a guy she once had feelings for, because they were working on an academic paper together: obviously I wasn't going to tell her to stop it, I explained it was slightly difficult for me to deal with but that I wanted the best for her future, so it was fine for me and that I trust her...big mistake as I'm fairly certain I got cheated on later on...I explained these things to the current girl I'm seeing (this will give context for later)

///My concerns-issues///

I feel like there have been tons of small issues that surfaced with time and that I wasn't sure how to deal with; a big issue of mine in previous relationships have been that I'm too much of a people-pleaser (thanks to my chaotic family background), I don't like conflict so I don't always communicate things that bother me immediately, because I quickly convince myself that I'm being unreasonable or insecure etc.

The first obstacle that was present from the beginning was that another guy was in the picture; honestly from the things she described about this guy, he was a complete dickhead in any domains (he'd create insecurities for her, would never respect any boundaries or personal space from what I gathered: for example he'd very often just show up to her place and kinda invite himself in, or call her at random hours of the night and not understand that she's working and her sleep's important etc etc).

She had a non-serious thing with this guy but explained that though he was very bad in many aspects she still appreciated him because of him being there and supporting her through the death of her brother (something that I fully understand and respect).she explained that she never saw a serious relationship ever happening with him because he wouldn't be a good boyfriend and also because he clearly told her he had no feelings for her in the romantic sense.

When I entered the picture, she was ending things with this guy. The thing is once he understood that someone else was in the picture (me), I believe he realised he was truly losing her and switched up his game: he kept texting her messages saying how much he loves her etc, and kept asking to meet up to talk. she kept reassuring me that things would be ended with him very quickly and that she wanted to end things properly because she was grateful for all the help that this guy gave her during those tough periods which I completely understood; I made her understand that it was okay to take her time to end these things properly maybe that we should take some space for her to wrap it up first and then to come back to me. she said she understood yet at the same time she couldn't walk away from me, she kept me in the picture and I stayed assuming things would be ended with the guy quite quickly. that's where it started to become problematic because this guy kept coming back to her/reaching out incessantly: every time I was spending time with her he'd somehow end up calling her or texting her...at the beginning I understood, she didn't want to be mean to him and wanted to "put him down lightly", but after a certain time it started to feel disrespectful and started getting to me:

\-when he'd call she'd answer and talk like a friend, Infront of me: yes on one hand it shows complete transparency and trust, but on the other hand it bothered me cos I couldn't fathom how she didn't realize that it'd be bothersome to me.

\-after some time I thought that she'd properly ended things with him, and that we could finally start building things together; I realized she hadn't fully cut him out of her life: she'd still receive random calls from him and text messages saying things like "I love you, I miss you etc", these events would sour what were otherwise wonderful days spent with this girl. She'd restrict him on Instagram but still end up sending him reels sometimes on TikTok, in front of me... I'd already properly communicated that it was difficult for me to grow more and more attached knowing another guy is in the picture, that even though she's reassured me that she has no feelings for him, I just had an irrational difficulty overcoming this; to which she snapped at me: she eventually asked me if she wanted her to choose me over him, a question I find very very unfair; yes of course I would like that, but I don't want to have the weight and responsibility of such a decision handed to me; I'd like to think that she herself would have made that choice... I simply suggested maybe she could take the time to properly end things with him, heal a bit then come back to me: to which she replied something along the lines of "it's either now or never, if you walk away I can't and won't reach out to you, because I don't want to get hurt a second time"

\-Every time I communicate about delicate topics like this, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

///Current situation///

The first guy was out of the picture, finally. Things started going well!

Then boom a week later, something else happens:

\-when was having a busy, stressful week at work and on an evening where she wanted to relax, I was unavailable: so she said she was gonna hang out with a guy friend of hers (I have many girlfriends myself and totally believe in platonic friendship, I have no issues with it).

\-however there's some additional context on this guy friend: she's already told me before that he's extremely handsome, tall, muscular etc, with similar music tastes and a guy she's known for over 10 years. She explained that over the years there's been quite a few times where he's declared his love for her at random moments, but reassured me that she could never get in a relationship with home that he's too weird for her and that she surely See's him as a friend. Honestly, I believe her, I really do think she's a very loyal and sweet person.

\-to continue the story: she hung out with him, and afterwards went back to his place (when she texted me this, my heart sank a bit: I panicked and started asking her if I could come over for the night when she's back, to which she told me: "I'm way too tired, I'm probably going to crash on his couch"). I just said okay no worries rest well, to which she started asking if "something was wrong, and that I sounded off" -> to me asking these questions shows that deep down she knows herself that it's maybe not a very respectful move, after this she started texting me things like: I love you a lot, can't wait to see you tomorrow etc etc... I simply replied things like me too, and I didn't want to start talking about how it bothered me then and there by message; she's with him right now and I don't want to ruin her evening, I told myself I'd just talk about it the following day.

\-When we met the following day: I find out that he actually drove her back to her place, and that they ate food together and that he slept in her room; she explained he stayed because she was feeling down and that he slept on the floor and not on her bed and that he left early in the morning, discretely. I believe her, I was also somewhat hurt and confused cos I started questioning myself: is what happened really that bad? It's not like he slept in her bed, and she was honest about it.

Finally, I communicated in what I believe to be a calm and compassionate manner that it was difficult for me to deal with such situations, that it was scaring me and causing me to put small barriers in our relationship to protect myself: hearing this, she snapped at me by message: saying that she was fed up with all these little nitpickings etc and that she can't be bothered to deal with situations like this, and 20 minutes later she'd apologise saying that she's just been overwhelmed lately and that she didn't mean it...then she'd apologise saying that she should've acted better (so I guess deep down she knows that she was fucking up)... I'm so confused and hurt, I'm walking away but feel responsible for her, I really don't want to hurt her especially cos of all the shit she's been through, but I feel like I have no choice for my own well-being other than that

I think my biggest issues overall are that she doesn't seem to realise how her actions with these two guys had somewhat no regard for my feelings, especially given that I clearly explained in my past that these were things that were difficult for me to deal with. And especially the emotional volatility (I don't like the emotional highs and lows, I consider myself quite grounded emotionally; yes I surely have many flaws but I trying to work on them).

What do you guys think? Thanks a lot for reading again 🫶 and I'm very sorry for this word vomit, I hope it made a little sense.