u/Buulbous

Im frustrated it did and im not even sure how to continue. Why im even born the way i am? How do some people just live and function? Im 25 and only now im beginning to get it. Some things fell into place in such a way that i havent messed everything up yet but im scared it could happen in the future. I need to take steps but its hard to get things done most days. I have a deep depression and anxiety under these layers that i try to fix with going on drives, drinking coffee excessively and hoarding any information that could be useful. I have a hard time interacting with strangers and my brain just blocks me from doing certain things. I feel deep anxiety and cant stop thinking. I watch netflix or yt and my brain runs like an engine in the background. I want to call and book a therapist appointment but i have such deep anxiety about what if i say too much or the wrong thing and i get institutionalized. About the steps i have to take to navigate to the therapist itself in the building. What if i crash my car? I need to finish a plan for that case.

I think i need to meditate maybe. Im spinning in my head too much.

Im sickened by all the requirements and abilities to live. Im sickened by all the people who have information that others dont have and can get further in life and make fun of those below them. Im sickened by parents who thrust their idea of things onto their children even if they never even asked to be in this stupid world. Im sickened by peoples ignorance about other peoples suffering. Im sickened by this social media age of stupidity. Im sickened by the fact that i mother nature is like an ad. A mirage, underneath the beauty is pain, psychopathy and suffering. I dont want to be here. I never wanted to be here and i dont know why im still here. Why havent i just finished myself and be done with being here? I dont know.