Why does life still feel so hard years after narcissistic abuse?
I grew up enduring narcissistic abuse and extreme control for 27 years, and honestly I’m still trying to figure out how to function normally afterward.
Most people in my life know I came from a “strict” household, but they don’t know the reality of how emotionally controlled and abused I was 24/7. I’m still in contact with my abuser, but for the last two years I’ve finally been living by my own guidelines and trying to heal. I truly hoped the healing process would be slow but steady, but even after two years it still feels incredibly hard and unpredictable. Some days I feel okay, and other days everything crashes down on me uncontrollably.
Now as an adult living with my partner, I still struggle heavily with insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, exhaustion, and what I can only describe as trauma crash-outs whenever something small goes wrong.
I usually can’t fall asleep until 4–5 AM, and even when I do sleep, I wake up exhausted. Thankfully I work from home with a flexible schedule, but jokes still get made about me “sleeping in late,” and people don’t realize how much that hurts because it’s tied directly to trauma and survival mode.
Another thing I struggle with is being late sometimes because I get overwhelmed, drained, or anxious while getting ready. Growing up, a lot of my abuse and trauma happened around getting ready, leaving the house, timing, appearance, and doing things “wrong” in my abuser’s eyes. Even now, something minor going wrong while getting ready can completely spiral me emotionally and mentally without me meaning for it to.
Comments and jokes get made, and I laugh it off, but deep down it’s painful because nobody really knows the extent of what I carry every day.
So I guess my question for other survivors is: how do you cope with the long-term side effects? How do you start healing the parts of yourself that still feel stuck in survival mode years later?
And thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to comment or share their experiences. It genuinely means a lot.