u/Butter_Peanut552

Like the title says. My brain starts to tell me that the nice things people tell me aren't genuine and I hate it because it's ruining my relationships with people who have done absolutely nothing to make me believe these thoughts are real but they're just so loud!!! I can literally feel my anxiousness reduce my confidence and I HATE IT!!!! There were times I had friends that weren't really my friends so maybe it's trauma from that. I journal and say affirmations but this still keeps happening.

PS: I was diagnosed with GAD as a child and it's been worse as an adult. Also haven't found any medication combo that works for me yet.

So I've spoken to a PCP about my suspicions that I have BPD but it was brushed off as GAD and C-PTSD that I've already been diagnosed with. This was also the first time I had been to that doctor, and I am high-functioning so she just suggested journaling and therapy despite my efforts to explain how serious it was but i didn't have the words for it at the time. The job that granted me the insurance that allowed me to see her that day only lasted 3 months (I quit the day after the appointment). This has been happening ever since I graduated college, the longest I've worked in one place was 9 months. When I had medicaid in another state I was put on seroquel with an online psychiatry platform (Brightside) but the PCP took me off of it and to use it again is almost $400 a month out of pocket. The previously mentioned doctor reached out to me about me coming in at a discounted rate for medication (she put me on lexapro which made my anxiety worse and prazosin that did nothing to help with sleep but benadryl has made me so spacey) so I might take her up on that but only if she actually takes this seriously. I'm also not eligible for Medicaid in my current state unless I find a doctor willing to provide documentation of my disability. Would it make sense to reach out to a therapist I was seeing when I did rage quit my first post-grad role who witnessed my turmoil? Maybe she can write something for me to present to my doctor so she can believe that I'm not making this up. I say all this to say that I just sporatically quit another job and until I can figure out how to work more consistently I need some form of income. Any advice on how I can make this possible? I know I'm rambling but I want to break this cycle.

Hello, this is my second ever reddit post so please don't be harsh.

I'm excited that I found this community but it hurts to know that so many other people feel as deeply as I do to the point where it's hard to simply exist.

I hate having to force myself to build relationships with people because I know how important it is to have them and that it sucks to be alone, but I don't know how to manage my sensitivity around people. It's hard to stay at a job with too many personalities, and I want to believe I can work somewhere that pays well without taking me emotionally.

I get random spurts of what I assume is "normal", but I don't realize it until after I become overly emotional again. My highs are through the roof and my lows are dark and scary. I don't seem to feel much in between.

I'm tired of forcing myself to act and feel what I perceive non-HSPs to as an attempt to be different. It's like I mask but I don't realize it until everything becomes heavy and I can't be high functioning anymore. It also takes me a while to stabilize. As I type I realize it sounds like burnout but I'm just annoyed at how it presents itself in me but I care enough to not pretend to be someone I'm not and/or ignore it.

I'm really trying to understand of all of this without feeling childish. Is my sensitivity truly my superpower?