Should I leave my fiancé? Or AITA for giving up to soon?
Hello, I have a dilemma and would like a second opinion. Let me give you some back story on how we got here because we weren't always like this. I 26(F) and my 27(M) have known each other since we were 18. We were best friends at that time, talked about everything and nothing, relationships, travel, goals, shows, food, etc. Everything felt so easy, his energy was so calming and he was naturally stoic(which were some traits that I loved about him).
He had the best advise and emotionally mature. He listened to me, made me feel like my thoughts and feelings mattered. So when we started dating about 4 yrs ago I thought this was my chance at real love. Until our 2nd anniversary, everything changed. He said he's not ready for next steps (Which was marriage, he proposed a few months earlier). Also I never pressured him to propose, we both knew we wanted marriage and had multiple discussions about it and our time line.
Anyway we had a conversation about why he's feeling this way and he brought up feeling like our families (Mostly mine) is bringing the vibe of our wedding down, making it about them and him realizing his family will now also include mine and their shenanigans. And how much weight that carried. That broke my heart, this isn't the first time someone broke up with me because of my family. I thought things would be different because of his confidences in himself and my family actually likes him. I'm not blind, I know my family is a lot and was doing the most around this time but I handled all the conversations with them. I took out the fires, he mainly delt with me venting about conversations I had with my family. So that's mainly what he was talking about then.
I reassured him that the family we make is the family I choose. I'll always have his back and to not care about what they think/want, they'll find a issue with anything. I thought we were good because he said so but over the course of months he would say how he couldn't do this marriage thing. And every time it would be something new, new reason, new fear. We would talk it out, I'd pick myself up and try to go on then it happens again. Every time he would do that another part of me would break away. Which caused me to doubt us, doubt him, his true intentions, am I making the right choice? I told him multiple times we can have a long engagement, we did couples therapy, hours long conversations but it still kept happening. Evan after I told him these conversations are taking a negative toll on me personally and we need to fix this before its unfixable. It eventually stopped after me crying for the 50 billionth time and another serious conversation.
Since then he hasn't brought up his hesitation on marriage but it created one in me, a void within myself. How I'm feeling a change with us. Well to save us all some time, things never felt the same. For the next 2 years we've been fighting a uphill battle. Ups and downs, I turned to Mary Jane to cope with my sadness and grieving what we had, what could have been and where we are. I'm not close with my family(They live out of state) and I have no friends besides him. At the same time sexual intimacy has gone down, we went from 3-4 times a week to 1-2 times a month or every few months. (No, he's not cheating, we have a open phone policy, he knows my PW and I know his. We spend most of our time together outside of work and we have the same work schedule.)
Anyway, I voiced how I feel lonely even with him sitting next to me, how I don't feel sexually satisfied/wanted by you, how I feel like if I don't make a move then things won't happen. If I don't bring a issue up then nothing gets done about it, things don't feel right between us and idk how to fix it, help me fix this. Usually he goes defensive and try to defend his actions, how he never meant it that way, how he naturally don't think about sex, etc. Then he brings up things that bother him as in my smoking, how I always nag him about problems, always something negative. How me twerking, feeling him up and giving compliments isn't a turn on. Back and forth until we both give up and go hours/days without talking about the subject until we forget. Or eventually we come to an understanding then a few weeks/months later it starts again.
Now current, we both made agreements to each other. He would put in more effort for romance and intimacy and I will stop smoking. Honestly I only do that to numb the fact of how sad/lonely and unwanted I feel. I use to be a social smoker now I'm a daily. Its been a month and a few weeks since we started this clean slate again and he's made an effort for sex once and a movie date, that was the beginning of this agreement. I see him doing better with chores, taking out the trash without me asking, clearing the dishwasher, offering dinner ideas. I've gone a few days/weeks at a time without smoking then when I'm feeling really down I'd wait until my days off (He's at work) I smoke, cry, journal and chores before he comes home. Then go on without until the weight becomes to much to bare again. Just to stop myself from being a sad/depressing mess on the daily.
I can feel myself turning off and zoning out. I do find him attractive and still love him, Ig its a lack of desire. I'm not sure, I started decentering him a few months ago, eating out without him, going places even if he doesn't want to go, doing courses online, going to the gym. I still put in effort to make things work on my end. Due to the decentering the disappointment doesn't hurt as bad when things don't go the way I would like them too. Or if things end in a disagreement. Its just sad something that started out so beautifully turned into this. Somedays it feels like I have a roommate and not a fiancé. Any advise on whether this is still fixable or If its too late to mend things?