My partner has been a part-time caretaker for his grandparents since his teenage years. For context, my boyfriend’s grandparents raised him since he was 5, so they are more so his parents. They were already in their mid 60s when he graduated, and at the time needed help with minor tasks like bringing in the groceries, yardwork, etc. When he would be ready to move out and looking for places to live, something medically would happen to one of his grandparents and they would beg for him to stay and help, physically and financially.
His grandpa passed away early 2025, and his grandma has really declined since then. She has stage 4 heart and kidney failure, as well as depression and early dementia that she refuses to take any medication for (besides opiates). Grandma has recently confided in me that she has lost control of her bladder, and only knows she has to go “when she feels it running down her leg”, but refuses to wear diapers or pads. This has resulted in the home smelling of urine, her smearing feces into towels and leaving them on the floor for us to find. She can hardly walk from the living room to the kitchen without falling, almost losing consciousness, or hurting herself. Her yearly hospital visits have quickly turned into every 3 months, and now monthly.
Besides her physical ailments, I am worried for his grandma mentally. Her emotions and mental wellness seem to change at the flip of a switch. She becomes easily irritated with small things, such as asking her to make a grocery list with me so I can go to the store for her. If she dials the wrong phone number, she becomes angry and throws the phone across the room. She looks lost in basic conversation sometimes. The cashier will ask her how she is today and she is so confused and looks to me for help, etc. She screams and throws temper tantrums with us as her targets regularly, but within a minute she's back to laughing at the TV like nothing's wrong. When we’ve attempted to have her diagnosed with dementia, she almost puts on this show and acts completely normal, but as soon as we leave she’s back to her behaviors. Grandma has also blown $70k in the last 12 months on scammers, temu, and god knows what else. She will be out of money in the next few months but refuses any offers for help with budgeting.
We both work full-time, my partner almost always working overtime, and caring for grandma has become more than we can handle. She refuses and denies any help that would make life a little easier on my partner and I like having nurses stop by during the week, having meals delivered, hiring transportation to take her to dr appts. We’ve asked her children (my partner’s aunts/uncles/mother) for any type of help, and they refuse because of their relationships with her. We’ve looked into getting elder guardianship or some kind of legal help, but were told she’s of sound mind so there is nothing we can do.
Our life and future together are currently on hold due to caring for his grandmother. We’ve been ready to get engaged and move into our first place together for some time now, but can’t in good conscience leave her to live alone. We can’t make a weekend getaway without something going awry and having to come home early, pick up the pieces afterwards, or cancel the trip entirely. I work from home and refuse to move into her home as I would end up being her full-time caretaker, as well as the urine smell and hoarding situation of all the things she buys online. As awful as it sounds, I feel like we are just stuck living separately until she passes… I hate that her own children won’t step up to help take care of her, and that we are the ones managing all of this on our own. We’re in our mid to late 20’s and I feel that we should be starting our lives together, but instead are caring for grandma…. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.