NPD mother, ASPD father, ADHD in at least mom, I know I have ADHD and what else?
I really feel like at the core, I am a sociopath, but what do 15 years of marriage (will last forever) with my probably borderline partner say about me? Why do I not feel fear of abandonment at all, while also mentalizing my very strong desire to be loved and to love? Why do I have immense empathy and very high susceptibility to emotional contagion? Why do I hate my father and used to hate my mother? My father I hate because of his lack of empathy, for his lying, for his cheating at games and at marriages also, for his extreme pseudomentalization where he thinks he got it all figured out without even being able to read the room ever. I love my mother because I know now she means well, but I used to hate the fact that everything about her is performative. I came to understand that all of that performance is just a mask that she always fucking puts on because of how alien she feels and knows she feels to others. I think I am better than her at doing it but I could be wrong. Is there something I might be missing about my father? He is so fucking scared of being all alone that I believed he had BPD but now I am convinced it's ASPD, and basically if he wasn't my father that's the kind of person I don't want to see or talk to ever. Should I try more? Is this just me? basically I'm asking how to reconcile the fact that I want to have relationships with my family and I want to be able to form friendships, but I also feel so much at fucking peace when I'm alone and I just do my little routines and I just hyperfocus on projects for 40 hours at a time and listen to the dead fucking silence of being alone and fantasize about living in a mountain somewhere. What am I, how do I navigate this, how do I cancel being a massive fuckup?