AITAH for asking my boyfriend to get a vasectomy
**I (33F) have been dating my boyfriend (38M) for about a year, officially for a few of months. From the very beginning, I made it extremely clear that I do not want children. It’s one of the few things in my life I am absolutely certain about.
When we first discussed it, he told me he had never specifically wanted kids just for the sake of being a father, and that he would only consider children if his partner wanted them. I also told him very directly that if I ever got pregnant, I would get an abortion. He acknowledged and accepted that stance.
About a month later, I got pregnant.
We live in a state where abortion is banned, so we had to travel out of state for the procedure. It was expensive, stressful, physically painful, emotionally draining. My recovery was difficult and required follow-up care back home. I was still working during all of this and had to disclose personal medical information to my employer. My mental health, physical health, and career were all affected by something I never want to go through again.
My boyfriend was supportive throughout the process, and I do believe he cared for me and tried his best. But afterward, I started feeling deeply resentful that every consequence of our “mistake” ultimately fell on me. I was the one carrying the pregnancy, going through the procedure, recovering physically, dealing with the emotional fallout, and taking the professional risk.
When I expressed those feelings, he listened and validated me, which I appreciated.
Fast forward a few months: things between us are going really well, but he hit some financial difficulties. I’m in a more stable place financially, I own my home, we live close to each other, and we genuinely enjoy being together. I thought moving in together could benefit both of us emotionally and financially.
So I told him I would be comfortable with him moving in if he got a vasectomy.
His response was that a vasectomy felt like “a big commitment” and that he wasn’t ready for it. I replied that, to me, a vasectomy isn’t a commitment to me — it’s a commitment to not having children. And if he does want children someday, then he deserves to find someone who wants that too, because that person will never be me. I told him there would be no hard feelings and that I’d still care about him deeply.
He then said he doesn’t want kids, but that getting a vasectomy because I asked for it would make him resentful if we ever broke up.
I understand that sterilization is a personal decision and not something anyone should be pressured into. But I also feel overwhelming anger that I seem to be the only person in this relationship expected to permanently shoulder the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy. Especially after already going through an abortion that deeply affected my body, mental health, and career.
To me, his unwillingness to make a decision means I’m still the one expected to carry all the risk. I’m the one who would have to travel again, recover again, and potentially put my health and livelihood on the line again — despite the fact that neither of us wants children.
Now I’m questioning the relationship because I genuinely don’t think he fully understands how hard that experience was for me, or what it means to ask me to continue carrying that burden alone.
AITA?**