Why do I do this to myself
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My adhd brain questions everything anyone else does down to tone body language expressions and everything i can think of so as soon as anyone shows me kindness and gives me some sort of comfort I obviously overthink it but in the moment it's amazing feeling small and safe cuddling kind words anything but people have been able to control me so easily after just one night of being kind to me because my brain believes there safe even after it see's evidence that they hurt me i forgive them so much easier and I know they lie but I still listen just to hopefully feel safe again I know psychology i know what i'm doing to myself i know they lie so why don't I do anything why do I believe people who hurt me just so I can feel safe why do I work like this. I will go back to people who have hurt me and fall asleep in there arms before I trust a new person I have no clue what to do or why my brain works like it does i don't want to live like this where I forgive anyone as long as they make me feel safe for a few minutes I don't want to be used for my kindness I don't want to live for others I just want to be normal or at least live for myself and not feel bad about it i just want to be a normal person I can't just be used as an outlet whenever a few specific people feel bad and then not talked to for months and when they talk to me again they ether cuddle or fluster me then silence for months I can't live like this I can't have something that makes me feel safe because I get dependent on it then they just take it away even though they know I can't deal with it i just don't know hell I don't know why i'm posting this i probably made this so confusing because I'm not trying to be specific i don't know what i need i guess i'm just reaching out.