I’m literally just needing to get this out of my system and off my chest. I’m fucking tired of this shit. I’m so tired of food feeling like a battle and not eating feeling like an accomplishment. I’m graduating fucking college. And all I’m worried about is how much weight I’ll be able to lose in the next month.
But it’s not even all me fighting hunger, and I want to talk about how my body doesn’t fucking process it normally anymore. I go from so hungry I could eat everything and not feel full to not being hungry for multiple days at a time. And then I’m not hungry, not eating, but I’ll know I have to. And the ED voice wants me to just not eat, but logic reminds me I need to eat not to binge eat. So then I’m shoving a low cal safe food in my face, feeling like shit about myself and wishing I didn’t have needs.
I’m so sick of it, all of it. Let me be hungry when I need food. And when I am hungry, half of the time I’m riddled with cravings as if I’ve never eaten anything other than what I want. And it’s bullshit! It’ll be anything from pizza to tomato soup, sometimes it’ll even be fucking tea with honey. And I’ll be pathetically craving cauliflower like a lunatic as if that’s not crazy to need to convince myself the calories are okay.
THE OTHER DAY I PANICKED ABOUT CALS IN LETTUCE!! WTH!!