u/BulkyVermicelli225

My girlfriend (39F) and I (35M) have been together for a little over 3 years. We are both immigrants from different countries who met in a third country. On our very first date, she had a serious accident and fractured her back. I ended up taking care of her while she recovered, and we bonded deeply through that experience.

Then shortly after she recovered, I became seriously ill myself for a year. So in a strange way, our relationship was built around caring for each other through difficult times rather than building a fun and exciting life together.

It was beautiful in its own way, but now that we are both healthy again, it feels like we are growing apart instead of together.

I always knew we were very different people. Over the last 12–18 months, I repeatedly brought up issues like bad communication, problem handling

different interests and libido levels

not doing many activities together because she is very hesitant to try new things

Over time I started feeling lonely in the relationship. We had peaceful evenings together and a stable home life, but most of the things I enjoy doing, I ended up doing alone.

Another major issue has been intimacy and libido differences.

I was her first sexual partner. I tried to communicate openly, be patient, and explore things together, but she remained very closed off sexually. There were periods where we wouldn’t have sex for 1–2 months at a time, and eventually it started affecting my emotional connection to the relationship.

A week ago, I told her I wanted to break up. We were both devastated.

Now she wants to genuinely work on the relationship, and for the first time she has acknowledged some of the communication issues and how she handles problems. Seeing that honestly broke my heart because I know she loves me.

But I’m struggling with the feeling that many of our issues come from fundamental incompatibilities rather than temporary problems.

What confuses me the most is the intimacy aspect. Part of me feels that if someone is naturally curious/interested sexually, they usually want to explore and grow together already, especially over a 3-year relationship, rather than only trying once the relationship is ending.

At the same time, we built a very stable and caring life together: home, pet, emotional safety.

So now I honestly cannot tell whether I’m grieving the relationship itself or grieving the loss of stability and safety.

My questions are:

Have any of you successfully worked through major libido and intimacy mismatches long term?

Can sexual incompatibility genuinely improve this late into a relationship, or does it usually return to baseline after the breakup fear passes?

How do you tell the difference between temporary relationship problems and fundamental incompatibility?

I would really appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who experienced something similar.