First time post…ever. Sorry if it’s long.
I (27M) have been with my wife (27F) for about 9 years, married for 3, and we have a 1-year-old daughter. My younger brother (24M) is engaged to his fiancée (24F), and they have a 2-year-old.
For some background, my brother and I have always been very different. He’s more quiet and sensitive, while I’m more straightforward and tend to say what’s on my mind (although I do try to keep the peace when I can).
Growing up, I always felt like my brother was favored, but anytime I brought it up I was told I was being dramatic, so I learned to just keep it to myself.
For context, my wife and I currently live with my parents. My brother and his fiancée recently moved out and are living with her sister. Before that though, we all lived together in the same house for over a year.
When we were all living together, there was some tension early on. My brother and his fiancée would stay in their room most of the time and later said they didn’t feel comfortable around us and that we weren’t very welcoming. My mom would come to me about it and tell me I needed to be more approachable, which honestly confused me because it felt like we were being blamed for them keeping their distance.
There also felt like a difference in expectations while we all lived together. My wife and I contributed a lot around the house—she cooked dinner most nights, and I handled things like yard work and other projects that needed to get done. Meanwhile, my brother and his fiancée didn’t seem to have the same expectations placed on them, and it was rarely brought up. I didn’t make a big deal out of it at the time, but looking back it feels like another example of us being expected to take on more.
I’ve tried to tell myself that maybe now my parents are just more excited to see my brother’s son since they don’t live with him anymore, which I can understand. But even when we were all living together, it still felt like there was more attention and effort toward my brother and his family.
Over the past couple of years—especially this last year—my wife and I have started to feel like that same favoritism is happening again.
When my wife and I first started dating, my mom and her used to spend a lot of time together—going out, doing things, etc. Over time, that’s slowed down a lot, and now it feels more like an occasional thing.
At the same time, it seems like my mom has started putting that same kind of attention and effort into her relationship with my sister-in-law instead. It almost feels like she expects my wife and SIL to have that same kind of closeness as well, even though they’re very different people and there’s already been some tension between them. That shift has been hard to ignore, especially for my wife.
For example, just recently my mom and my wife went to see a movie together, and my wife told me afterward that most of the car ride my mom was talking about my SIL.
Another thing that bothered me was Mother’s Day. My wife put a lot of thought into getting my mom a gift, and we actually gave it to her early while my brother and his fiancée were there, so they saw what we got her. It was a rosebush that she picked out specifically for her.
Later, we found out my brother and his fiancée are also getting her a rosebush.
On its own, that wouldn’t be a big deal, but this isn’t the first time something like that has happened. There have been a few occasions where we’ve done something first, and then they’ve ended up doing something very similar shortly after. Maybe it’s coincidence, but at this point it’s started to feel like a pattern, and it’s frustrating—especially because my wife puts a lot of thought into these things.
There was also another situation that made things feel one-sided. My wife bought a shirt from a restaurant we like that had a phrase on it that my SIL apparently took offense to. When I heard that, I told my wife it might be best not to wear it around family just to avoid tension, and she hasn’t worn it since. Not long after that, my SIL ordered a shirt with a much more aggressive message and has worn it around the family multiple times since. No one has really said anything about it. That situation made it feel like there’s a double standard when it comes to keeping the peace, and it added to the overall feeling that we’re expected to accommodate more than they are.
Another example is when they come over on weekends. Between their child playing in the living room and things in the kitchen, the house often gets left pretty messy after they leave. Most of the time, my mom or my wife ends up cleaning it up. When it comes to our child or anything we use, my wife and I make a point to clean up after ourselves every day. It just feels like there’s a different expectation for us compared to them.
Another thing that stood out to me was our kids’ birthdays. My daughter and my nephew have birthdays very close together, and both parties were held at my parents’ house. It just felt like my parents put more time and effort into my nephew’s party than they did for my daughter’s. I could be wrong, but it was noticeable enough that it stuck with me.
I know none of these things individually are huge, but together they’ve been building up and making both me and my wife feel like we’re second priority.
For me personally, I feel like I’ve dealt with this kind of dynamic for a long time, so it doesn’t affect me as much directly. What really bothers me is seeing it impact my wife and, eventually, my child. That’s the part that’s been weighing on me the most.
At this point, it’s gotten to where my wife and I don’t feel very comfortable either. We tend to just stay upstairs and keep to ourselves, which isn’t how I wanted things to be living with family.
Because of that, I’ve started pulling back and choosing not to spend as much time around them, because it just doesn’t feel good anymore.
When my wife brings these things up to me, or I notice something feels off myself, I’ve usually tried to be the logical one and brush it off or explain it away so it doesn’t turn into something bigger. But honestly, I’m getting tired of doing that. At a certain point it stops feeling like overthinking and starts feeling like something that’s actually there.
I also find myself constantly checking my own reactions—at home and even at work—because growing up I was told I was being dramatic whenever I brought things like this up. So now I’m always trying to make sure I’m not overreacting, which makes it harder to trust my own judgment in situations like this.
I’ve also been trying to get to a point where my wife and I can move out and have our own place, but there always seems to be some kind of setback that keeps us here longer. I’m genuinely thankful that my parents have allowed us to stay, but at the same time it’s been weighing on me a lot.
Living in the middle of all of this makes it harder to ignore, and I feel like I’m constantly picking up on tension. It just doesn’t feel right, and I can’t tell if that’s something real or if I’m letting it get to me too much.
It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’ve considered talking to a therapist just to get an outside perspective, because I can’t tell if I’m overthinking everything or if there really is a pattern here. Some people have even suggested I post here to get unbiased opinions, which is why I’m asking.
What’s also made this stand out more is that on my wife’s side of the family, there’s a somewhat similar situation—her brother and his family live with her parents as well. But when we spend time over there, it doesn’t feel like there’s favoritism or tension in the same way. Lately, we’ve found ourselves going over there more on weekends because it just feels more comfortable and relaxed, which has honestly made the contrast harder to ignore.
At the same time, I can’t tell if I’m seeing this clearly or if past experiences growing up are making me read too much into everything now.
So… AITA for starting to distance myself and pull back from my family because of all of this?