u/BuiltOnFeeling

My AP almost got caught, and just like that, everything changed.

He asked for time to get his head together. Maybe that was all I needed to hear. Maybe that was the moment I realized that when things got hard, I was the first thing he could let go of.

We promised we would stay together no matter what, and I meant it. I meant every word. I would have stood by him even if my whole life fell apart. I would have faced the consequences. I would have burned my life down before abandoning him.

I’ve read this story so many times, but I thought we were different. I believed in his love. I believed in us. I thought what we had was stronger than fear. (I’m stupid, I know)

I guess I was wrong.

I blocked him because I can’t sit around waiting to see if he chooses me when it’s convenient. I can’t keep loving someone who only has courage when there is nothing to lose.

Now I have to pick up the pieces of myself and figure out how to get out of my own marriage, not for him, not for anyone else, but for me.

I deserve to be loved in the open. I deserve to be chosen without hesitation. I deserve a life where I’m not hidden, not waiting, not begging the universe for someone to be brave enough to love me back.

I’m done with this lifestyle.

Protect your hearts, everyone💔

I had a really good weekend away with my AP for our anniversary. Everything was honestly perfect. He was attentive, sweet, and treated me so well that sometimes I catch myself thinking he could’ve been the perfect man for me if we weren’t both married.

This was our third anniversary, and the more time we spend together, the more I realize how unhappy I am in my marriage. I think I’m starting to resent the fact that he seems completely happy with what we have. There’s no future, no plans, nothing really to look forward to besides the next time we see each other.

Lately I’ve been getting jealous of everything. His wife, his life, the fact that he seems so content while I feel like I’m just an extra part of his already happy life. I wish I could be more like him and just enjoy the moment, but I don’t think I’m built that way.

Part of me wants to end it (this time for good) just because I love him too much. And then I feel selfish for even thinking that because I know a lot of people would love to have a consistent, loving AP. But I think these emotional highs and lows are starting to become too much for me.

I can’t afford therapy right now, so I guess I’m just venting here hoping someone relates. I don’t even know the point of this post honestly. Just needed to let it out. Thanks for reading.